I am Such a Dick. (…and Other Eloquent Musings from my Award Show Acceptance Speech…)

Here we are: The beginning of awards season. People’s Choice last night, Golden Globes this weekend, and then it’s onto the Oscars.

Yet I haven’t even expressed gratitude for the shiny new awards lining my own virtual shelves.

I dedicate this (old trophy from my high school days that I dug out of a box in my garage) to my amazing blogging friends...

I can’t even begin to tell you all how truly honored I am each and every time I receive a virtual “nod” from one of my blogging friends, and yet I’ve never really acknowledged them publicly. Or even obeyed the rules of the awards.

Told ya: I’m a total dick.

Can I just claim to be In the bathroom the whole time, like Christine Lahti when she received the Golden Globe and they couldn’t find her – because she was peeing?

Yeah, probably not.

So here is the award-show wrap-up post. And it’s a long one, my apologies. You’ll wish we had musicians to cut me off, mid-presentation…

Anyhow, the rules of these awards all seem to vary slightly, with one commonality: Acknowledge the peeps giving you the honor. And I’m also supposed to draw your attention to worthy blogs that I read, which just so happens to include the names on this list. Plus lots more, but I figure I’ll save the “lots more” for another post.

So here are my award-givers who also happen to have blogs I read (see how convenient that is?). And as an added bonus, I am making up my own award to nominate them all to receive, called the “Mikalee is a Dick but You Are Not” Award, the rules of which are quite simple: Write on your blog about the top 554,449,210 things you’ve done in your life that may have made you a dick. And your top 10 most non-dickesh moments as well. All in alphabetical order. Sorted into 55 categories of descending importance. Color coded.

Then nominate a bajillion-and-one other people to receive the same award. Spread the love, people!

Without further ado, the nominees are:

Ruth Zive: The Freelance Writing Blog (Corporate copy & content marketing that sells)

Ruth is the real deal. She’s a successful writer earning thousands each month practicing her craft, and she recently launched a website teaching us all how to do the same. What I love about Ruth is that she appeals to all levels: I’ve been writing for more than a decade, yet I still find myself going all Oprah with the “a-ha” moments on her blog. Good stuff.

She’s also a mom of five children, and she and I have commiserated about icky divorces. So she’s cool in my book.

Monica’s Tangled Web

Monica is my sister from another mother (that’s possible, right?). She’s snarky, sassy and spirited, plus she’s been Freshly Pressed like a bajillion times – and since I say “fuck” too much, I just have to live vicariously through her epic success on her epic blog. She’s a HuffPo Divorce contributor, and she loves Diet Coke.

That’s my sister!

Harper Faulkner: All Write

Despite the creepy pic of his wife and her one eye, one hand and one arm (not seriously, people), Faulkner has an obvious and adorable passion for his family that resonates through his writing. Some of his most endearing posts are recaps of convos he has had with the wife (much to her dismay), and the snapshot he offers into the life of his marriage is charming. He’s a fun writer with lots o’ personality in his blog. Check him out.

Tales from the Motherland

It is indeed ironic (or is it paradoxical – or coincidental – or — ah screw it…you get the point…) that she HATES the term LOL – because she makes me do it. Again and again. I love her for her quirky obsession with Cheez-Its, and that she refers to her family as the U.N. She also just recently (like…Dec. 31 recently) lost her mom to Huntington’s Disease, which she blogged about beautifully. And finally, she just submitted her first novel to a publisher. My fingers and ALL other body parts are super-duper crossed for her success.

MJ Monaghan

So this cool dude lives just over the Sierra Nevada mountain range from me – making him my actual neighbor, so I think that’s why we have a major reciprocal blog crush going. And he still calls his wife his “bride,” which is the coolest. But whether we’re being invited to weigh in on whether MJ is a “top up or bottom down” man, whether he’s letting us read a letter to his high school guidance counselor, or whether he is sharing poetry about what to do with the final minute of life, MJ always shines through his writing. Love this guy.

J Roycroft

My blogging friend J Roycroft rants and blogs with abandon, but he’s brutally honest – and I love him for that. Plus, he is a former para-military security guy who doesn’t care about “politically correct bullshit,” as he calls it, so he kinda scares me. He also has suffered through a pretty intense divorce from the Spawn of Satan, so this guy deserves some love. Sounds eerily familiar…

MyEventfulLife

This chic is seriously funny (loved her recent post on how her cat ate her fake eyelash). She is a mom of two girls, recently turned 30 and has had several hair colors in the last year.

I can relate. I have several haircolors now.

Jared Blake DiCroce: Chicken soup for the deranged and enlightened mind

Jared is the guy with the life we’ve all dreamed about at one point or another: He’s a writer/actor living in New York City. He’s also dedicated to all creative types. He’s truly endearing, mostly because he calls himself a “…science-nerd, techno-geek, homespun philosopher, lover, fitness advocate, bibliophile, wine enthusiast, and self-proclaimed creative person.” Me too!

My Fair Lady B

This woman does it all – writes about books, photography, movies, politics and anything else that strikes her fancy. Yet she’s only in her 20s. And my favorite part of her blog is on her About page, where she describes her affinity for My Fair Lady as well as what the “B” stands for. I’ll let you read that all on your own.

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Okey doke, rules for the Sunshine Award (thank you, Ruth!): Answer these questions or the nominator hacks you up into bite-size pieces with a machete. Then pees on you. (I’m pretty sure that’s why they call it the “Sunshine” award…you know, pee being the color of sunshine and all?)

  1. Favorite color – Red. Or teal. Or silver. I’m a fan of pee color. And I also like blue. (Can you tell I have commitment issues?)
  2. Favorite animal – Squirrels. The alive variety.
  3. Favorite number – 9. Birth month, and it was my contestant number in the Miss Teen Nevada pageant (see trophy above, see point #9 below under the “Versatile Blogger Award” section. Get it? Number 9???).
  4. Favorite drink – Wow. Hmm. Ummm… Tough one.
  5. Facebook or Twitter – Facebook. I have, like, 695 people following me on Twitter, and I have NO IDEA why. But it kinda creeps me out and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Cuz they’re following me. (*shudders*)
  6. My passion – constantly learning, adapting and growing as a writer so I can experience professional success and make an amazing life for my children, showing them how living your passion is the ultimate joy in life. (Wow, that’s convoluted, huh? But really, that’s just my roundabout way of saying my children are my passion, but since I can’t just make them the center of my world, I instead have to show them how to be thriving, happy adults. No small task…)
  7. Giving or receiving gifts – both! Duh…winning.
  8. Favorite day – Monday (those when I get my children back from the ex for two weeks). Oddly, my least favorite day of the week also is Monday (those when I have to give my children back to the ex for two weeks).
  9. Favorite flower – Tulips and orchids. And yeah, the “vaginal” theme is not lost on me…whatev.
  10. Favorite food – mashed potatoes and chocolate. Oh wow, just read that, and it looks like I’m suggesting that as one dish. Not so much. Mashed potatoes. And chocolate. Just can’t pick one.

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The rules for the Versatile Blogger Award (many thanks to Harper, Tales from the Motherland, MJ, My Eventful Life, J Roycroft and My Fair Lady B) and the Kreativ Award (yay Monica…thank you!) dictate that you reveal anywhere between seven and 45,990 things that people may not know about you.

How’s about I just pick ten:

  1. In June 2009, my dear friend/magazine editor assigned me a story about online dating. A month later, “Reno Writer 1” went on her first date with “Brett Magic.” (Yeah, we’re both totally embarrassed by the screen names now…). Two years, six months, six days and 20 hours later, Boyfriend Brett and I are still together. And I’m not sure which of us is more surprised by that… (And if you’re so inclined, you can read my story, “E Loves Me, E Loves Me Not,” here.)
  2. Pet peeves: When people say “nuc-u-lar” (instead of nuclear), “expresso” (instead of espresso) and “irregardless” (which simply isn’t a word).
  3. I have a recurring nightmare about giant cats surrounding my hometown. And they eat faces.
  4. IMHO, Jon was WAY hotter than Ponch. Roy was hotter than John Gage. And Frank (Parker Stevenson) was the Hardy Boy that made me hot. Shaun Cassidy made me want to upchuck.
  5. My first high school crush is now a reverend. Something tells me he doesn’t follow my blog, though I am his friend on Facebook. And my first kiss was at the way-old age of 19. But it wasn’t the future reverend.
  6. My two favorite words are “jizz” and “penultimate.” And I’ll bet this is the first time in the history of the spoken word that the words “jizz” and “penultimate” have ever been used together in a sentence. (Ha! Make that two sentences!) And speaking of, one of my favorite pastimes is to try to utter sentences that have never been uttered in the history of the spoken word. My recent favorite: While in a conversation with Brett, I said, “Excuse me, but would you kindly remove your scrotum from my kitchen island.” And before you refuse to eat in my home, it was a joke. He was sitting on my kitchen island, yet he was fully clothed. Honest. But that didn’t make it any less fun to say.
  7. I am addicted to buying mascara. Seriously. ADDICTED. I fall hook, line and sinker for every commercial that tells me I’ll get the longest, lushest, voluminous-est lashes from XYZ brand. And then I head to Walgreens, or CVS, and I try it out. Still searching…

    This is from the last month, people (and the duplicates? Yeah, I had forgotten I already bought ‘em.)

  8. I often hiccup when I drink. Yes, just like that drunken mouse in the Looney Tunes cartoon. In fact, Brett sometimes calls me his “drunken mouse.” And nope, that’s so NOT cute.
  9. I was crowned Miss Teen Reno in 1988. The opening picture of this blog? That’s my trophy! And no, I promise it’s not on display in my office – I truly did have to dig it out of a box in the garage. Alas, I was supposed to go on to the national pageant, but it was in Hawaii and I was but a poor Miss Teen Reno. (cue sobs from a commiserating audience…)
  10. I desperately long to be married again, yet I don’t think I believe in marriage any more. I’m as confused by this as you are.

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And finally, the 7×7 Blogger Award (you rock, Jared — thank you!) asks you to list your top posts (of all you’ve ever written) under the 7 categories below.

Most Beautiful – wow. Beautiful? Huh. I guess my particular style of blogging doesn’t lend itself to beauty per se, but I’d have to say Jesus is My Trash Man: A Christmas Story (Sans Secret Ovaltine Message…) It did, after all, send me a slew of new readers with words like “Pastor,” “Reverend” and “Christ” in their screennames, so I’m guessing it resonated with those who appreciate beauty. And it’s about my children, which is my favorite beautiful topic…

Most Helpful: I Spy with My Little Eye…a Blog Stalker?!?! In this post, I gave readers step-by-step instructions about how to track down their own blog stalkers, making it universally helpful. Plus, once I posted this blog (in which I called out a certain blog stalker who left me multiple messages under multiple identities — and, oh yeah, happened to be married to my ex), the crazy messages stopped. Go figure. So it was super-duper helpful in that regard, too!🙂

Most Popular: How my marriage ended with a brick. Hands down, this post has been the most viewed (almost 10,000 hits for that post alone), though not most commented upon (that distinction goes to my “About” page, Who is this Mikalee Byerman chick, anyhow? with almost 400 comments total). However, the opening story of my blog is totally THE STORY that sets the tone for the rest of my work, so it’s no surprise that it would be my most uber-viewed post. Plus, you just can’t make this shit up, and everyone loves a good story. Right?

Most Controversial:Is She Hot? OK, yeah, so I may or may not have asserted through this post that a certain someone in my life looks like Marilyn Manson. But it wasn’t my assessment, people — it was my dear friend who made the observation, and I was merely relaying his story! My truly magnanimous goal of the post was simply to highlight the inappropriateness of people who ask that stupid question, post separation. “Is she hot?” should never be in your post-separation vocabulary. Ever. EVER!

Most Surprisingly Successful: Audacity, thy name is…Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla. The New York Times ran a “Vows” story on this super (sickening) couple, which I (rightfully) mocked — sending 4,086 people to my post in ONE DAY. I was stunned. And thrilled. But mostly stunned.

Most Underrated: Wow…this one is really hard. I mean, really hard, because I would never assert that any of my posts are “underrated.” I’m amazed you seem to find as much joy in them as you do, so I’m appreciative of every “Like,” every comment, every share, everyTHING! But I guess if I’m forced to choose, I’d say You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up, Part Dos, which details bat-shit crazy things you never expect, post-divorce. This list included my daughter getting a hair cut (without my knowledge/permission) only one week after I’d had it professionally cut for her — in a style to exactly match my ex’s new wife. Awesome.

Most Prideworthy: Most Likely to Succeed … at Divorce?!?! When I discovered that I had the No. 1 “Shit Divorce” (as ranked by Google), I was overcome with pride. I mean, really…this is what all women aspire to achieve in life. Right?

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You know what? Hell, you ALL deserve awards. Anyone who takes the time to allow others into their lives through blogging or reading blogs deserves to feel honored. So in commemoration, I’m giving you ALL the “Mikalee is a Dick but You Are Not” Award, but I’m changing the rules slightly: Just leave a comment below and share anything — your favorite blog, a link to your favorite post, or if you’re not a blogger, your favorite thing about today. Whatever. Or you can totally make fun of any of my admissions above — my affinity for the words “jizz” and “penultimate,” my desire to be married but not believing in marriage, “Brett Magic,” drunken hiccuping…I’d just love to hear from you all and see some mutual blog lovin’ going on. Cuz that’s how we roll, people.

And thank you all again — for the nominations, and for the reading of my bloviations and spewage. You are all SO not dicks…