You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up, Part Dos

 

Take me to your … compost pile?        (Photo by John DeNardo, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial License)

So how exactly do you follow up after a post full of highlights like running into your gynecologist on your first just-divorced date, evil taunting from planet Earth and a phone call from your ex husband’s new wife’s pastor?

How about with green aliens, two people creepily melding into one body plus an ominous countdown to doom. (I may be exaggerating on that last one, but not by much.)

So here it is. The final five of…

The Top 10 Bat-Shit Crazy Things You Never Thought You’d Have to Deal with, Post-Divorce

(And if you’re a slacker and haven’t yet read 1-5, click here. And catch up, will ya? Geez.)

5. Your ex and his girlfriend post a website to celebrate their upcoming sacred nuptials — within months of your totally surprising divorce — complete with pictures of your children under the headings “Our beautiful daughter” and “Our oldest son.”

Um.

Who’s daughter and son, exactly?

Oh, that’s right…MINE. Sure they’re “ours” (as in, mine and my ex-husband’s), but certainly not “ours” (as in, my ex-husband’s and his soon-to-be-new-wife’s).

Were they both her future step-children? Absolutely, and like so many others in similar situations, I had to resign myself to having no control or say in that. But to be so brazen as to imply that these children — my children — were born to them of natural means was just, well, inappropriate. And kinda creepy.

And speaking of creepy…

4. Your ex and his new wife become one. And I don’t mean through marriage.

So here’s how this story unfolded (you may need a bouncing ball for this one, so my apologies if it’s convoluted. But the payoff is big, so stay with me…).

A few months ago I received a text from the ex’s wife indicating she and my ex had secured a “last minute” appointment for my daughter with an eye doctor because they had “great concern” about her vision. The ex’s wife was texting while in the appointment, telling me there was no notice because it was so-totally last minute. Apparently, the digital age means nothing to these people, despite the fact that they both have iPhones, and despite the time it took to go to the school, pick up my daughter, then take her to the doctor. No time. None. Zero.

Anyhow, the text said (and mind you, this is a quote): “[Ex’s name omitted] and I are with her and she is doing so so on the tests but having a good time.”

She said she would let me know the outcome.

Given my own great concern over their “great concern,” I immediately called and texted her back. No answer, no response. I told her to tell me where they were, and I’d be right there. Nothing. Until 3 hours later, when she indicated that they had “no cell signal in the building.” Fascinating, especially in light of the fact that the initial text from the exam room got to me just fine. Damn traveling cell signals.

So the interesting part of the story happened when my daughter (with her perfectly perfect eyes, no need to worry) recapped the appointment. Apparently, the ex’s wife wasn’t there at all. Didn’t even so much as pick her up from school. Instead, it seems the whole text from the exam room was a rouse in an effort to rub salt in the wound that she was at an appointment with my daughter, and I wasn’t.

I called them on the lie, of course. The response: They were baffled that I would accuse them of such a thing, because, and I quote again,

“You need to understand that in our home, there is no separation between [ex’s new wife’s name] and myself — we are a ‘we.’”


Boy? Girl? Confused...

Seriously. Two bodies living in one was their excuse.

So I’m wondering: When they pee — men’s room or ladies’ room?

And perhaps the bigger, more relevant question: Boxers or thong?

Must be confusing to be them. I mean, to “it.” 😉

3. Your children come home from a week with their father and step-mother and burst into tears as they tell you there’s a countdown to when they are all moving two states away, and it currently stands at 242 days.

Yip, my children were told they were moving to Oregon. They were shown where they’d go to high school, where my daughter’s dance classes would be held, where they’d shop for groceries once they moved, everything. This was all BEFORE I was told anything about even the potential for my children relocating, which I of course nipped in the bud once I confronted my ex about the countdown.

So during this “countdown confrontation” meeting, my ex proposed a compromise: they would take my daughter to Oregon and leave my son behind, with me. Considering his new wife has two sons of her own, seems the extra penis in the house was superfluous, yet keeping my daughter would help balance the boy-parts-to-girl-parts ratio.

Can you say, “Not in a million years”? And maybe now can you understand my “countdown to doom” mentality.

Hyperbole? Maybe not so much.

2. Your first “relationship” stemming from your own bat-shit-crazy idea to sign up for Match.com ends up proclaiming his love for you on day #7 of even KNOWING you. Oh yeah, and this is 2 days after he admits his desire for you to “go green.”

The best part of this story: He’s not talking about a commitment to eco-salvation through keeping a compost pile stocked with chicken manure, toenail clippings, dryer lint and dead starfish (seriously, I looked it up … these are all “compostable” materials!)

Nope, he wants to paint you green, just like the alien chick in the recently released Star Trek movie.

Ewwww.

…and the NUMBER 1 Bat-Shit Crazy thing you never thought you’d have to deal with, post-divorce…

(Before we begin this one, let me appeal to all women out there to channel their maternal sides, and to all men out there to consider what it must feel like to be a mommy. The pride. The joy. The amazing idea that someone that you evacuated from your very body is a living, breathing, wonderful human being. Then imagine you discover the man you made this baby with (hope I didn’t lose you there, male readers) decides you’re not right for him (fair enough) and that he’s going to reunite with his ex-girlfriend from high school. Again, ok, but at least respect me as the mommy in the aftermath of this whole fiasco, right? Wrong.)

…so (drum roll, please), the NUMBER 1 Bat-Shit Crazy thing you never thought you’d have to deal with, post-divorce…

1. You take your amazing daughter to have her very long, beautiful (and mommy-like) hair “trimmed and styled” by a professional hairdresser. The following week, while that same daughter is in the custody of your ex and his new wife, they take her for ANOTHER hair cut. That’s right, the very next week.

And she returns to your custodial care in tears. Because guess how her once-long, beautiful hair now looks?

How ‘bout in a completely chopped wedge — the EXACT style sported by your ex husband’s new wife.

Simply. Awesome.

OK, so there’s my list. Now I ask you to please add a comment that explains your own drama whether you’ve experienced it yourself or watched someone who has. I for one would love to read all about it, if for no other reason than to know that I’m not the only one going through the bat-shit crazies! Please share…