Are You There, Justice? It’s Me, Mikalee.

I've heard rumor that justice exists. Still searching for evidence...

I don’t mean to alarm you: But there’s a good chance you don’t exist.

Yes, I mean you. And you. Yip, you too…

Before you go look in the mirror for evidence or pinch yourself to check for “proof pain,” please allow me to explain. And nope, this won’t be some totally out-of-character existential rant, promise.

But as a final step prior to my upcoming court date in the holy-crap-it’s-this-Monday-immediate future, I received a wicked awesome filing from the opposition…and it included this juicy little tidbit:

That's right. You're all "alleged." Sorry 'bout your luck and all that...

Hmmm. So it seems I’m imagining you all.

It appears the 52,000+ hits I’ve received in the past six months, the 2,000+ comments, the hundreds of subscribers, the multiple clients I’ve secured as a direct result of this blog, the people conducting daily Google searches for terms including “Mikalee Byerman blog,” “Shit divorce,” “Mikalee gynecologist stirrups” (???) and “penis tiara Me 2.0” — all figments of my overactive imagination.

Remember the TIME Magazine story that linked to my blog? Or the Yahoo News story? How about the visitors who found me through Huff Post Divorce or the San Francisco Chronicle?

Sheer fucking fantasy. All of it. Damn I’m good at this imagining business.

…and…did you happen to read in the above that my entire blog is “devoted to disparaging them constantly”? That I completely dramatize “every interaction” I have with John and Marilyn?

Huh. Didn’t realize that.

Well, I guess it’s true — if by “dramatized” they mean “recounted,” if by “disparaging them constantly,” they mean “highlighting real events backed up with concrete evidence” and if by “every interaction” they mean “about 1 out of every 1,000 or so interactions.”

So the abridged version of the paragraph above: Indeed, I recount details about real events that are backed up by evidence for about 1 out of every 1,000 or so interactions we’ve had in the past three years.

Sounds exactly right. Guilty as charged.

Funny thing is, I thought I had developed a community of support for people who find themselves recovering from a divorce, who are just embarking down that path, who are in the throes of it or who are simply enjoying this you-just-can’t-make-this-shit-up journey based on my real life — some of which involves my past, much of which does not.

I thought I was all about encouraging others to embrace their 2.0 versions, hence that silly little name “Me 2.0” and everything.

Oh well. Guess not. My bad.

I was under the impression that we were all here helping each other. That I was making a teensy-weensy difference one crazy little post at a time, offering a place for an open dialogue and some profound insights from an amazingly involved, engaged group. I even remember reading practically a shitload of comments to that effect (which, if you’re an avid blog follower — real or imagined — you’ll recall a shitload equates to 4,533, give or take)…including this one:

imaginecreation says:

March 8, 2011 at 7:50 pm

I’m happily married. I’ve read your blog, pretty much all of it. You have my empathy and my prayers. But I wanted to let you know that you also got me to thinking. As much as I don’t want to distrust my husband, who appears to be a steady rock (and probably is), I want to be prepared for the future. I never finished school . . . signed up today. I’ve been thinking a lot about finishing and now I’m moving forward in it . . . for me, for my two kids and for our family. If my husband were to do something like your ex and/or died (kinda prefer he died . . . though I’m not threatening, just sayin’) I would need a way to sustain us (kids and I). Right now I’m home full time with them and I enjoy it, but I credit your words giving me that final push towards a better future. Ok, didn’t mean to leave a heavy comment . . . =0) I love your writing!!

Clearly, this is a made-up comment from an alleged “reader” who has enrolled for some fabricated school. Stupid imagination…

But hey, wait a quick sec: Oh my GOD! Did you see the above commenter’s screen name? Perhaps it’s all true. Perhaps you’re all figments of my crazy imagination! Perhaps you’re all part of some elaborate fantasy I’ve conjured up over the course of the past six months!

If so, it’s been a doozy. And when I wake up from this dream Monday, and instead of heading to the courthouse, a towel-clad, seductively dewy Bobby Ewing emerges from my shower — well then, I guess that’s when seeing is believing.

But until then, I’m still searching for this glorious though elusive ideal, if she’s out there:

Is she surrounded by bricks? Seriously? What’s with all the brick imagery, anyhow? Oh yeah: It’s all in my head…(Photo by physis3141 and available through a noncommercial Creative Commons license. Allegedly.)

Any last-minute advice from the world’s greatest imaginary blogging community? Thoughts on your alleged existence or as serving as “an excuse” for my “bad behavior”? Anyone want to participate in a virtual roll call to see how many different identities I’m conjuring up here?

Oh wait. Seems I’m confusing myself with Kelly-Kathy-Dee-Happy-Sally-MARILYN

😉