The Writing on the Wall…

Upon the advice of my expensive and exceptionally educated attorney, I regret to report that I must cease and desist with my blog effective immediately.

.

..

Nah. Just kidding. Did I get ya? Maybe even just a little bit?

Come on now, I hope you know me better than that by now. I continue fighting the good fight, but that fight takes time. And attention. And wine. Lots of wine.1

Which brings me to the point of this blog post. Because I’m too plastered busy working on copious court docs, I’m finding myself wanting to touch base with an amazingly supportive community of readers, but woefully unable.

My days are spent working (I must keep my day job, after all, to pay for aforementioned expensive and exceptionally educated attorney), my nights are spent researching case law and writing in legalese and my sleep is spent battling demons that come in the form of Michael Jackson’s head on a squirrel’s body, now-married-ex-boyfriends who declare “It’s Morality-Free Wednesday…let’s have sex!” and ginormous infestations of hairy, blood red spiders with skulls and crossbones emblazoned on their backs.

(And just think, that’s just a sampling of last night’s nightmares. Wonder what fun tonight will hold?)

But throughout it all, I’ve never lost sight of the big picture, which includes an upcoming book tour to promote my No. 1 New York Times best seller and Oprah book club pick. But before that tour, I guess I’d better actually begin — um, I don’t know — maybe writing the book.

Which means one thing: I. Must. Research.

So instead of sharing my own story in an effort to inspire healing today, I’m turning the spotlight to you. We’ve all read my the-universe-is-dicking-with-me tale — how in a cruel but symbolically fuckin’ awesome twist of fate, the writing on the wall for me was actually an inscription on a brick.

That was my moment: the moment when I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was over. The moment that — wait for it — hit me like a ton of bricks.

(The brick jokes, my friends … they practically write themselves! It’s like the gift that keeps on giving!)

So because part of my book will be devoted to highlighting some of the more interesting/inane/common/insane/shocking/mundane/heart-wrenching/side-splitting moments when the writing was on the wall, I’m hoping you will all share with me the moment you knew that a relationship was over. OVER. O-V-E-R! (Shouted in your best and boldest “Caps Lock” voice.)

It’s cathartic, people…trust me. And who knows, maybe one day you’ll be thumbing through a book with your adorable pixie of a grandchild, taking turns reading silly little passages from a “how to heal, post-divorce” humor book (cuz you’re gonna fuckin’ go ape shit if you have to read “Hop on Pop” one more time), and you’ll find yourself sweetly musing, “You see this story about this awesome woman who broke up with her boyfriend because he referred to his penis as his “pleasure shaft” and compared her nipples to tiny but tasty Tic-Tacs? Well, that’s my story, sweetheart.”

Your future grandchild will be so proud.

So tell me about a time when the writing was on the wall for you: When you knew it was over. Was it your wedding night? Inspired by a Facebook message? The result of poorly cooked meat?

And trust me, it doesn’t have to be as symbolic as my brick. Or include penis/nipple imagery. Unless, or course, that applies…

😉


1 This, my friends, is called hyperbole. Sadly, I am forced to clarify: I once wrote a humor article for my local newspaper that jokingly indicated I was taking Xanax, which prompted my ex-husband to condescendingly allude to my pill-popping tendencies in a subsequent convo. Hyperbole. Sheer fucking exaggeration. I am probably almost always hardly ever never anything but not drunk. Got it? Good. End of disclaimer.

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96 thoughts on “The Writing on the Wall…

  1. tanner24 says:

    This is more a case of “I SHOULD have seen the writing on the wall” actually. It just took me 20 years to realize it. The wedding: nineteen year old bride, muggy August day, quaint chapel in New England, just over 100 friends and family. Enter bee. It makes the rounds through the pews, begging guests to swat at it before it heads up to the altar. I spend more time perseverating on a buzzing insect as it flits from bouquet to bouquet, than listening to my own wedding ceremony. I’m so intrigued by the bee that I’m taken by complete surprise when it’s time to recite my vows. Twenty years later, I remember more about the antics of the bee, than any other part of the ceremony. Looking back, I think focusing on the bee was the one thing that kept me from hiking up my wedding dress and making a mad dash out the door. I wonder how different my life would have been had it not been for that little bug.

  2. Return to Sender says:

    …You’re an amazing writer.

    You bring out the ingrained conversation that should be present in everyone’s writing. It’s like I’m listening to one side of a conversation.

    Shall continue to read when I come across your posts.

    Great job.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Wow — that’s one of the nicest writing compliments I’ve ever received. Seriously.

      And I clarify “writing compliments” because I once had a friend tell me I had “perfect eyebrows.” I mean, how can you possibly top that? 😉

      All jokes aside, I appreciate the comment … and thank you for stopping by!

  3. bertbad says:

    Whew! You scared me at first! That would be an injustice if your stupid ex made you shut down this blog after he did you wrong in the first place. Be glad he is gone anyway. You have beauty and brains. Time for you to find a man that can handle that and not feel so threatened that he has to run off to his high school sweetie.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Agreed — I think the whole recapturing of one’s glory years does speak to a certain level of immaturity — or at least fixation on a lost ideal.

      Guess what, people: You’re not the “hot” football player or the cheer captain anymore. I know it’s hard to believe…

      Thanks for the comment!

  4. ohkamisvoice says:

    I don’t have any horrible divorce stories but I definitely have seen some writing on the wall with an old girl friend or two (writing which i tend to ignore, foolishly). The one that stuck out the most was my most recent ex… We were sitting on some steps talking about whatever young couples talk about and as she half heartedly participates in the conversation she blurts out, “YOUR HAIR DOESN’T TURN ME ON LIKE IT USED TO…” I know that’s a little weird and obviously shallow on her part but i knew in my heart of hearts that this was the start of a deep dark spiral into a break up eventually ending with me sleeping in my car due to the purity of my negative emotions…

    Don’t stop Howling…
    OhKami’s Voice

    ohkamisvoice.com

  5. Heidi says:

    Sweatpants…yep, sweatpants. That is the one word reason I broke up with one of my high school boyfriends (no Mik, not from McQ). I have a strange aversion to the classic fleece sweatpants with elastic at the waist and ankles…they make my skin crawl. Said boyfriend wore them all the time and on one particular occasion I asked him to put on jeans (we were going out). He declined my request and the next day I had to break up with him to get away from the sweatpants. I still hate them and believe they should only be worn around the house or to work out in…not out to run an errand or go grab a burger somewhere! I guess you are getting a twofer there, Mik…a weird hang up combined with a break up story. You are welcome!!!
    Looking forward to more on the legal proceedings…hang tough!! 🙂

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Hehehehe…now I know what to get you for your wedding present, Heidi. Matching “Bride” and “Groom” sweatpants!

      What an awesome reason to break up. Thanks for sharing. You definitely made me smile!

  6. gvanguard says:

    Well here goes nothing.
    Circa 2007 my return home from my first deployment. Things were gingerly homely until I noticed the lack of excitement and sounds of new friends. Lots of I’m going out tonight with so and so, questions asked, who? Where did you meet such people went unanswered. Hmmm, then my exes birthday came and I was asked to stay home while they went a clubbing? Clubbing…. upon this and the fact a former girlfriend of my exes calls to tell me said wife is out with another man… Damn I say, phone calls made, no answer. Later, alot later the evening ends for the birthday girl and I wake to her coming in the house with friends. As a husband and very tired Marine, I ask soberly, why were you out with another man tonight?
    To make that story short, I was told it was none of my business. Months ahead things became rockier, and towards my next deployment, Im told,I’m going out tonight. Ok, with who? Nobody. Arguing ensues, am told to mind my business, where or where was my brick. 845 pm, she leaves. I put son to bed and go to sleep. 0130 am I awaken up by cell phone a chirping. Is this Blank? Yes, it is who’s this? That doesn’t matter, um Jessicas been arrested for a DUI and being taken to Morehead City. There was a slight pause and a click. Holy s$$t I yell, waking my roomate up. He asks what’s up and them states he will drive me and my son to find my wife at the police station and recover my now impounded car. My brick showed up that night and it took only about another two weeks, before mysterious voice became a screaming drunk person yelling at my screaming drunk wife at 230 am in my front yard. He then gets into my car,smashes it down the street from my home with a cop in tow. My exit came 2 months later. I am now happy, and excited about life but am having serious difficulties with ex via custody issues. Hope this makes the book.
    Stay strong and keep us informed. Your fan GVanguard

  7. cindie says:

    That was mean! But funny. Keep up with both — and the swearing. The swearing is my favorite part. You’re such a sweet nice person and cute as a button, so the swearing is unexpected and always funny. Keep fighting!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Ooooh. I think I’m going to add “Cute as a button, according to my writer friend Cindie” to my “About” page!

      Being 6 feet tall, I don’t think I’ve ever been compared to a button. And I LOVE it!

      Thank you for reading, Cindie! 🙂

  8. haroldwoodcrafting says:

    I was like, No! can’t happen this quick! as I was waiting for the page to come up. Glad you’re not and still are. I like your blogs. Keep up the fight! I know you will. You got heart and guts and a strong, smart mind.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Well, if a broken heart, stomped on guts and a wine-soaked strong, smart mind are what I need — then I got it!

      😉

      Thanks for the comment. In the words of the fabulous Gloria Gaynor, “I will survive!”

  9. mynakedbokkie says:

    You Got me!!! Almost felt my heart in the bottom of my shoes haha!!!! Well done.

    Perhaps this should have been my sign….

    My gran (wicked) comes from Kent (England) to South Africa for the our wedding (the ex and i) wedding. Sitting in teh chapel, with my other gran (awesome) she says “well i suppose they can always get divorced”. Quite funny that i ended up taking her advice.

  10. markp427 says:

    When, thirty-six hours after meeting her for the first time, she got bent out of shape on the phone because I dared to declare that I wanted to spend the day by myself. I know what you’re thinking: oh, the nerve! It’s what she was thinking, anyway.

    That should’ve been the end…it certainly raised a red flag large enough and bright enough for my friend three states over to see…but the relationship dragged on for another four and a half months before the inevitable truly inevitabled (not a word but should be) itself.

    Clearly, this was one of those cases of 20/20 hindsight.

    (By the way, oddly enough, she had tiny nipples…smaller than any I’d ever seen before. But they were neither minty nor fruity, so I can’t compare them to Tic Tacs).

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Perhaps the non-fruitiness of said tiny nipples should have been the sign?

      And definitely, “inevitabled” should be a word. Think I’ll use that in a future post (and attribute to you, of course, as I am NO plagiarist!).

      Great comment. How dare you need “you” time. Whatever.

      😉

  11. PhotoJoe says:

    Let’s see…when she decided to buy a flat in her home country…for us and our (unconceived, in every sense) kids.
    Yikes! I was only 22!

    This makes me sound like a bit of a dick, I promise I’m not!

  12. D.S.Hillman says:

    Good luck with the book. If you need any feedback or crits when you’re writing feel free to subscribe to my blog and I will mail you. Often a second set of eyes can be useful…

  13. Movin-on says:

    What pushed me over the cliff to end my 22 year marriage was when I found out that the arse had taken out a home equity loan on our jointly owned home and run it up over $150,000. We have already been in marriage counselling for several months so things were not good anyway. That day, I left work early and filed the divorce complaint. There were just a few trust issues going on, ya think?

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Just a few! 😉

      Wow — I can’t even imagine. Divorce is sticky enough without having to navigate a ginormous joint home equity loan. Ugh.

      I do hope it worked out for you … and thank you for sharing!

  14. Blockader says:

    I knew things between my girlfriend and I were about to change the day she got mad at me, really mad. Not for anything I did, but for what I might do, five years from now. Her words, “Five years from now, you might….!” I just couldn’t seem to make her understand that there was also the possibility that five years from now I might not…

    In the end, we saved ourselves four years, eleven months and three weeks of arguing about what I might and might not do in 2013.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Well, in 2013, you’ll have to update us to let us know if you did, indeed, do what she feared you might do!

      I really really love this story. It’s amazing what people find to pick on (read: obsess over), isn’t it?

      Great comment — thank you!

  15. Post Divorce Coach says:

    So…I knew for sure when my then 4 year old daughter told me she hated her father and his response was “Where did she learn that from?” That’s when I knew I had to get her out of that hell hole of a life to save her. It didn’t matter that I had another child who was not even 1 yet. I was out of there, and that is when I started to make my plans.

  16. Susan L says:

    I should have seen the writing long before I did. I should have seen it when his heavy drinking turned to full blown alcoholism. I should have seen it when he started spending all his time talking to his grade school crush on FB — when it escalated to talking/texting/emailing constantly. I should have realized it was really over when he left me and our son to be with her rather than even try counseling. But it was none of those things. It was in a phone conversation when we were arguing about what each of us wanted in the divorce settlement and I told him he didn’t have a leg to stand on — I had proof of the adultery, alcoholism and willfully untreated mental disease. I’d had him followed and pictures taken of them together, copies of emails and cards and I had his medical records. He told me he’d never really known me at all. Me? The former investigative reporter? He was surprised I’d investigated? Good grief! He was right! He didn’t know me if he thought I’d lay down and give him half of everything when he cheated on me. The writing was on the wall. After 20 years he didn’t really know me and I didn’t want him anymore.

      • Susan L says:

        Thanks, but actually I didn’t…..no one did. When I told people we were splitting they asked who I had left HIM for. No one ever thought he would leave me. He acted like he worshiped me until a couple weeks before he left. I will say that, once betrayed. those rose colored glasses came off quick. I mounted my campaign to win everything I wanted in the divorce the day I found out.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Susan — I hope the sum total of all the signs resulted in a far happier life for you. It sounds like you were able to come out of this situation stronger … and it also sounds like you do NOT live in a no-fault state (Nevada is one, therefore the fact that my marriage ended because of “cheating” meant nothing at all in the eyes of the court).

      Congrats, and best of luck…

  17. J. Eric Smith says:

    There was this lovely female bartender I got to know some 25+ years ago who worked at the neighborhood bar near my crazy swinging bachelor pad.

    Some time after I got to know her, eventually I got to KNOW her, if you know what I mean. I’d go to the bar, help her close at evening’s end, and then we’d adjoin to my snake ranch, which was about a block from the bar.

    One evening at my den of iniquity, she cuddled up to me in bed after intimacies, and said “It’s so nice to actually develop a relationship with someone I met at the bar.”

    “What relationship?”, said I.

    And then there was none.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      That is CLASSIC!

      You do, btw, realize the sheer # of descriptors you used in your comment in reference to your “home”: crazy swinging bachelor pad; snake ranch; den of iniquity…

      You’d think she would have seen the writing on the wall simply based on where your “head” was clearly at! 😉

      Great comment — love it!

      • J. Eric Smith says:

        Re: crazy swinging bachelor pad; snake ranch; den of iniquity…

        Honestly, those under-describe the depravity of the household I maintained at that time . . .

        I’ve been happily married for almost 22 years now, but prior to that, I was, without question, close to the ultimate Date From Hell.

        (I even got a paid byline out of that piece, so that counts as PROOF in these low-threshold times for writing credentials . . . )

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      This has now become a standing joke. All of my close friends celebrate Morality-Free Wednesdays with me! 😉

      And really, it sounds like the plotline for an episode of Friends. Or the premise of a bad movie…

      Regardless, wonder if I’m battling some demons? 😉

  18. Connie T says:

    I knew one relationship was over when he borrowed my vehicle to use and brought it back with different tires on it. Old worn out tires. I think he sold the good ones I had on it.

  19. comdude says:

    You’re collecting “when did you know it was over” stories and I’m trying to decide which ones to tell you.

    I knew it was over when she came home early and we had to get dressed real quick and try not to look like we had been doing what we had obviously been doing in her bed. Then after she moved out and started driving 60 miles to see this guy who lived right next to me, that’s about when I thought it was over. Boy, those were the days.

    I knew it was over when she decided to go to flight attendant school instead of setting up house with me, as we had previously discussed. A pilot got her pregnant so she married the guy and found out what an abusive mama’s boy he was. She divorced him and began raising the little guy by herself. One day she arrived looking much older and expecting me to feel the same way I did fifteen years earlier. After a good look under a bright light, and her refusing to go into one of our trendiest restaurants, and her bailing from the car when I wasn’t looking, it seemed to me that it might have been over.

    I knew it was over when I bought a house that was too small for her and her children to fit into. She didn’t like the neighborhood, either. Gee, that was too bad. I guess that’s when it was over.

    I knew it was over when she introduced me to her new best friend. The best friend was quite stunning. That night when she was fast asleep I fished the best friend’s number out of her address book. The best friend was more than willing to share tales of her skanky activities in my absence so that’s when I knew it was over. The best friend was the real deal, I thought.

    I knew it was over when she decided she didn’t want to see me any more, for the fourth time in twelve years, and got really rude with me on my birthday. Suddenly I had so much more money to spend any way I wanted so I figured it must be over.

    Only once in all that time did I ever consult with an attorney.

    Hey, Mikalee, Merry Christmas, OK? Geez, what a topic.

  20. J Roycroft says:

    Holy shit! If you even think about shutting the fuck up I’ll serve papers on you myself just to keep you talking. I absolutely love what you are doing here and am waiting with pregnant anticipation for the next post. Ok so maybe that wasn’t the right choice of words for a guy. Hell you know what I mean. You keep up the great blog and good luck with the fight.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Haha…so when I first read your comment, it was on my iPhone, so there was no gravatar to accompany the words. I offer this explanation because the voice in my head was totally “girl” when you talked about the “pregnant anticipation” … and then came to a screeching stop when I read that, indeed, you are totally “guy”!

      😉

      Thank you most kindly for the feedback. I look forward to seeing you around here again!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      All types, definitely, but I do welcome the many differing perspectives. I think there’s much to learn from the actions, thoughts, beliefs and concerns of diverse people from diverse places at diverse stages of life!

      • Young Dad Offline says:

        Well, never been married or divorced. But I AM about to have my first child in March (We’re getting married two years later).

        So I Will update you if that story doesn’t have a happy ending. 😉

  21. J Roycroft says:

    Hey young dad…that comment was in reference to her own words, no harm intended. I find Mikalee very entertaining and obviously intelligent. I am quite sure she got the gest of my remarks. As with most blogs, including mine, yes you do get all “types”, it’s usually the liberal “types” that get their feelings hurt. I doubt that a strong woman such as Mikalee fits that profile.

    Merry Christmas

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      No worries — I think Young Dad was referencing another comment from another blogger, and of course I receive all comments in the spirit in which they’re intended.

      I’m just grateful to be surrounded by an incredible community of supportive blogging friends during this holiday season! 🙂

  22. Jessie says:

    Oh shit…After reading all of these “writing on the wall” stories…I have come to the realization, on my 2 year anniversary, that honestly, I did see the “writing on the wall” about a year and a half ago. Hahaha……oh boy, I’m screwed.

    On another note…I love your blog, your a great writer, very captivating.

  23. MissKay says:

    Well, my “writing” doesn’t come from the horribly, long drawn out process of divorce but a relationship that infested my little life for the better part of my 20’s (damn you cruel fate as my skin will never have that teenage glow of naivity again).

    I met my ex-boyfriend in college and boy o boy did it rain candy-coated kisses and butterflies on us…so much so that after a year together we ended up pro-creating the little one.

    We met and I accepted him for whom he was friends and all…friends is used loosely since I am more of a social-butterfly and he is well anti-social well except with this little gnat of a friend who lingered in the background with all of her sob stories and the like.

    Fast-forward six years and several serious conversations later and we finally break-up. The reason…the little gnat was spending too much time with my then boyfriend. Oh buddy, I even welcomed her into our home given she was going through some similiar home families issues. My fault…totally. Who knew two adults who claims to be moral and just friends, couldn’t find said morality in all the wrong they were pursuing.

    Anywho, guess who’s getting married now after just a few short months…you guessed right, the wretched little gnat and the ex. Hope he gets a prenup since he makes a substantial amount of money, then again as fate will go to show divorce is on the horizon for them even before they get married. I supported him when he had nothing and we were both working our way through college…she had no interest in him then, now all of a sudden he has a house and wow, I have always liked you…coincedence I don’t think so!

    Don’t cry for me Argentina, my love ship hasn’t been cast out to sea forever just yet, you see while they were pursuing their unmoral relationship, I unknowingly found myself the friendship of a wonderful MAN. A man that despite my faults and all the non-sense I was going through decided that he loved the woman I was and asked me to be his “girlfriend.”

    I accepted his invitation and I haven’t been happier in my life. We’ve only known each other for the shortest of time say 6 months but both have thrown our all into what we have, because it is healthy and trully makes us happy.

    • MissKay says:

      I knew it was over when:

      4. I lost a family member and he didn’t go out of town with me and gave some lame ass excuse for why he couldn’t be there.

      3. He couldn’t commit to marriage, but shacking up and sleeping with me were just fine. He would give answers like “he just wasn’t ready” or “soon.”

      2. In the 6 years of our being together he made very little effort to integrate himself into my family. Talk about awkward… he’s only been to my homestate 1 in 6 years meanwhile I have had to make the drive back home by myself several times with my son in the car and he claims to have been “worried.”

      1. When I left work early on his 26th birthday for some QT and the wretched trollup of a gnat was already with him spending time with him.

      • Mikalee Byerman says:

        Well, MissKay…there are four BIG reasons you deserve SO much better!

        I hope you’re at a place where you can appreciate what you’ve gone through…as trite as it may sound, you are better off!

  24. J Roycroft says:

    One day I will share my divorce hell story. I was actually married to a hell reject.. I kid you not, and yes she was the legitimate bitch from hell. I am most certain that old Lucifer wouldn’t even put up with her crap. Luckily for me though, she fell in love with Jack Daniels and we have since parted ways. Oh what a blog that would make.

  25. That Fiverr Gal says:

    My ex, then-spouse of 1 year, programmer by day, musician on the weekends, decided to join up with a group doing community theater. “I have to be at all the rehearsals,” he explained solemnly. That turned out be him getting up and leaving for work before I was awake, then rushing from work to rehearsals which went very late at night. I was asleep when he got home. Lather, rinse, repeat. Weekends were the same except for the work part.

    I know what you’re thinking. “Rehearsals. Now that’s a spooky euphemism I haven’t heard before.” Turns out it really was. I went over to the theater and checked up on him a couple of times without him knowing.

    I knew it was over when he refused to skip a night of his beloved rehearsals to take me out for my birthday. Oh, he did get me a birthday card with this sweetly unique handwritten twist: “Even though you’re one year closer to death, I still love you.” Fuh-nee!

    Finally, performance night came and I got to see the fruits of three months’ worth of lonely nights. He had three small parts, two of them silent, the third was one sentence. A marriage blown to Hades by “Auntie Mame”. Outstanding.

    Oh, and my jerk objected to me writing about it, too. Eff ‘im. Eff ‘im to ‘ell.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      There must be a trend with acting and plays: My ex decided he needed to take an acting class about a year before he left me. Perhaps he was trying to learn the part of a loyal husband? Or maybe not…

      And that may be the most AWFUL handwritten card inscription I’ve ever read. EVER. 😦

      You deserve SO much better!

  26. BrokenPicker says:

    Wow, where to begin? It’s only been a short 12 days, since I learned my wife of 7 years and I are divorcing. My 10 yr. old STEPson, has known me has his only father for most of the life he will likely recollect from his younger years. Yet – I have no rights.

    Signs. Which signs? The ones that should have told me I was living with a Sociopath? We had diametrically opposite upbringings, mine Ward & June Cleaver-ish, hers more like wack jobs raising wack job kids. I always felt for her for that. She lived homeless for a while, she was sexually molested by a family member, she lived in Foster Care for a time, and she lived w/a “evil wicked stepmother”. Or so go her stories….

    When we met, her mother had done some underhanded things to gain custody of her son. She was living on public assistance, and I guess I felt like I could help rescue him from what – in hindsight – was someone rescuing him. 2nd mtg on the house, wife’s illnesses, and soooooooo much unemployment later, we’ve run the gambit on financial hell, including bankruptcy, moving from rental to rental, my truly loving family doing their best to deplete their funds and help us. Not to mention, our landlord who has been a Saint and didn’t throw us out on the street, and even lowered our rent, despite all the $ we owe him.

    Maybe I should mention here, I’m not a wealthy man, obviously, but I’ve been gainfully employed for decades, and even got a decent pay increase moving to a new job 2 yrs ago. It hasn’t been enough to keep up. And apparently, my “picker” is horribly flawed, because I didn’t HAVE to get married, yet I chose to. Over 7 yrs. of marriage, “she-devil” has worked a total of maybe 3 years or so out of that time. But my family and I adore my stepson, and my family is just the type to give the shirts of their back, so she got that figured out, and took advantage of it. I won’t act like I’m not at fault at all – I’m a quirky individual who’s set in my ways, and more the age of “Old Boring Guy” these days, while she’s 8 yrs younger. But I loved her and I love my son, in the sense that my actions spoke this every day. Her illnesses didn’t help our sex life, but I didn’t either. After a while…. I was just too worn out from the strain to care much about that.

    If that’s an excuse to start a Facebook romance w/an old beau, convince him to move several states South, and take up and start an affair with him – all the while telling me she had got this great “work from home” job, and we’d be getting the finances caught up soon – well, then I’m at fault. But I just ain’t seein’ that right now.

    Here’s the kicker…. I came back from a week long business trip, and she was late picking me up at the airport. Her mood was “giddy” is best I could describe, and I could tell it wasn’t because she was glad to see me. While driving my son to school the next Monday morning, and after some very odd conversation over the weekend, he proceeded to tell me all about his new family, his new sisters, his new dad, and that he was moving across town. He’s 10. He did a great job for a 10 year old. I’m in my 40s. I did a great job receiving that for a 40 yr. old who totally gets that he is stuck in the middle w/a mom who loves only herself. And always herself first.

    I suspected about her lover, but am not a jealous or insecure person by nature. So, I knew about him as a “friend”. My son… sorry STEPson, made the rest clear to me. He is the kindest, sweetest-spirited boy I have ever been blessed to know. He is a gift from God, and I am convinced that God used him to get the scales off of my eyes.

    I am angry, hurt, depressed… all the ish that goes with it. Don’t even know how I found my way here, but you asked about the signs, so there ya go. I don’t have a blog, but I’ll def be following along on this one.

    I may have stepped on the brick every day w/out ever noticing it, for all I know. I just know I can’t wait to get through this HELL of a short run, and get to the other side, where I can start feeling like someone I used to be.

    Wow, that was long…. tl:dr. Luv ur blog Mik.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Wow. Just wow. I’m so sorry for your pain, and trust me when I say I know exactly how you’re feeling right now: kicked in the gut; lost beyond belief; betrayed and alone.

      But you are not. Time will let you gain greater perspective, which will reveal that spending life with someone that selfish is not what you deserve. Now your son … that’s an entirely different story. I hope you fight like hell to maintain a relationship, because you sound like just the kind of role model he needs now and in the future. As the mother of an 11 year old boy myself, I can attest to the amount of changes and pressures he’s feeling right now, and yet he isn’t even aware of how much he has learned and needs to learn from someone like you.

      Please continue sharing. Please reach out, surround yourself with people who care, commit to doing the hard work to make it through. I know this is all fresh now, but from someone who has been there, done that, 2 years ago: It does get better. I used to hate when people would tell me that, but it truly does.

      Take care, BrokenPicker. May your “picker” heal along with your heart…

    • BrokenPicker says:

      Do you really think so? Guess right now, I’m looking for anything that will help, but:
      1. it’s not final yet, although we’re separated
      2. i may not have power or internet in the next cpl days (she left me w/the utils about to be suspended) so first things first lol…
      3. i don’t want any issues from lawyers like Mikalee has had, simply because I cannot afford a lawyer.
      4. i don’t know how to start a blog :~p

      Thanks for the empathy, though. Hope all are having a good holiday.

  27. J Roycroft says:

    Broken Picker: Don’t let anyone intimidate you out of expressing yourself through your blog. Don’t worry about those insipid little lawyers. We have this thing called Freedom of Speech and you should use it at every opportunity. My rule of thumb when blogging is…If it is provably true, I will not hesitate to say it. It is only a lie if you know it to be untrue at the time you said it.
    As far as starting a blog, that’s the easy part. Just follow the wordpress instructions and once you have your blog established, start writing. Write from your heart, in your own words. Leave out names. When I read your comments I felt like I was reading your blog. Once you start writing it will all begin to flow. Just tell your story like you told it in your comments. If you find yourself with out the internet, go to the library. You are never too far from internet access. Bets wishes to you and good luck with your blog.

  28. Little Explorer says:

    I knew it was over when I realised (much too late) that I had to ask permission to him to go out with my friends, or else he would threaten to break up with me… sad I didn’t notice earlier. A long time has passed since, but I still think I’m SO GLAD IT’S OVER! 🙂

    Nice post! I’ve been reading your blog for some time now but never commented.
    Good luck with your legal battle!

    http://littleexplorer.wordpress.com/

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Isn’t it amazing when you finally get to that point when you realize how lucky you are that a relationship ended? that’s an awesome feeling.

      Thanks for sharing, Little Explorer. I hope to see you around here again!

  29. BrokenPicker says:

    Jroy, I started to take your and “mynakedbokkie” (which btw wtf is a bokkie??!!?? and is it GOOD to be naked??) ‘s advice and start a blog today. Someone already has the name “brokenpicker” apparently; she’s a screenwriter from LA who doesn’t like sand in her car…. but then, who does?

    I will have to think of some other apt name for my blog, but it will have to wait. For tonight – I am a GA born hardcore Atlanta Falcons fan – and I’m all about some “escapism” for a while on this Monday Night Showdown! Beer may be involved as well. Perhaps I can quell the nightmares Mikalee assured us all were to come, or at least change them up a little.

    All I remember about last night’s, was driving 55 through a 45 mph speedzone, and getting pulled over for a speeding ticket. I was frantically looking through my car for registration and insurance papers, and contemplating speeding away…. and then realized I was in the backseat of my car. But no one was in front, so I was most definitely driving, right? RIGHT??!!?? The chick cop asked me to roll the window down, which I somehow did from the back, and asked me if I knew how fast I was going. Not even fazed I was in the back seat. Then I woke up and was in that part of the morning where you remember all the horrible reality that IS, and you know that even if you wanted to go finish the dream, there will be no further sleep today.

    So since I don’t drink/drive IRL… I’m going to put back a few and see if I can go for the 3am DUI, and get the same cop. I have some questions for her…..

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      OK, I’m totally deviating from my own protocol here to respond to you … when it’s so evidently not your turn. I’m woefully behind on responses to comments, which I generally make in chronological order, but I have a few good reasons: crazy weekend; kiddos in the house all last week and not in school; Santa to impersonate; etc. But your comment needs an immediate response.

      YOU MUST START A BLOG! NOW! IT WILL SO HELP WITH YOUR HEALING! AND THIS DREAM YOU RECOUNTED HERE TOTALLY ROCKS … AND COULD TOTALLY BE A BLOG POST!

      OK, I’m done with the yelling…do you hear me, future blogger friend? 😉

      I found myself reading through your comment, laughing, nodding my head in understanding and telling my boyfriend, “Oh my gosh, listen to this dream…so funny…” Then we got to talking about the amazing metaphors you’ve got here of driving out of control, not being in the driver seat, etc.

      This is a blog post. You did it…only you did it on my blog. Go find your own and do it there, Brokenpicker! 😉

      I’m teasing you of course, but I’m also hoping to inspire you. Find your voice. Share your concerns, your sadness, your healing process. Shout it out loud. You own this, and you get to process through it however it works best for you.

      And I’ll proudly be your first subscriber. Sign me up!

      Now back to trying to put the house back together. Then responding to more comments tonight. In order, thank you very much…

      But one last thing: I double dog dare you to do it, Brokenpicker.

    • mynakedbokkie says:

      I would also subscribe…that is 2 already…you doing so well on creating your own little blog in Mik’s!!!
      Why dont you google “bokkie”, urban dictionary should have a great definition….NAKED- well, i am pouring my heart and soul out (with no worries on criticism or judgement- therefore NAKED)… but perhaps i should have called myself “a naked bokkie”, and not “my naked bokkie”, as if this blog is just piece of me, and not all of me!!
      MIK- i think that was great advice!!!

  30. BrokenPicker says:

    Ok, ok, I will do it! I actually WANT to do it! (I have to get $17 first, but I will come back and leave a link if I get the chance to set it up, and when I can think of a good name).

    “Yo, Mikalee, I heard you like blogs, so I put a blog in your blog, so you could read a blog while you blog.”

    Seriously. My apologies for “doing it wrong”. And all the Internet memes….. I will get my own blog and keep the silliness over there. Promise. But I will still be coming here often. It’s been cathartic for many, it seems, and it helps to know others are going through the same, or sadly, worse.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Haha, my blogger friend…you are doing it perfectly. I just wanted to open your eyes to the fact that you already have your first couple of posts ready to roll!

      And please, no apologies necessary. I was just trying to practice tough love to light a fire. I love the silliness and the sharing that you bring to my blog, so if you take that away, I’ll have to become a blogger stalker. Seriously. They will create a new type of restraining order just for me, the first bona fide blogger stalker. I’ll be famous!

      😉

      Keep commenting. And please let us all know when yours is up and running.

  31. coocoocachoo says:

    I stumbled upon your blog and I love it! Since I am in the midst of my divorce (although he refuses to leave, and I have started court proceedings to get him out!) I thought I would share my splendid writing on the wall….

    The first major writing on the wall? Three days before we were to be married he announces to me through his tears that

    ” I don’t love or respect you and the only reason I am marrying you is because of our daughter.”

    WOW and I still married him, oh you know he apologized and said he didn’t mean it, he was just upset…..

    The second time was when my Mom was in treatment for breast cancer, and had an almost deadly reaction to chemo and was in hospital. I received a phone call from him asking for a divorce. Because he felt abandoned by me….I was going to divorce him then, but found out I was pregnant with our second daughter. So you try and work it out….silly me.

    Fast forward two horrid years and dun, dun, dun, dun……..

    The final blow was my brother passed away from an unexpected illness, that everyone thought he would survive from, after a month in hospital. Two days after he purposely made me late for his memorial he came home. My Mom had made dinner for everyone and was watching my oldest until he came home or I was done putting the youngest down for bed. He was MAD. We were all sick as well and I had phoned to see if he could pick up gravol for me. He did bring home one intended for children….not so helpful! Anyways, back to the juicy part. He told me that he couldn’t eat this shit and that I better tell my Mom that she better stay away from him or else he was going to make her really cry….

    He says this ONE WEEK after she had lost her son, and I my brother!

    He then goes on to tell me to go tell her that he is being nice to us now but we better watch it or he’s not going to be nice anymore.

    There is more to that night one year ago that involves my child that I will refrain from writing.

    He now lives here but refuses to pay for anything other than the bills in his name. This includes groceries, clothing, pre school, you name it he isn’t paying……So much fun….SO. MUCH. FUN.
    Oh, and he has a girlfriend now too.

    Anyways, I love your blog, so super duper funny! It is nice being able to read about someone else’s drama!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Oh. My. GOD. I hope you are getting some good therapy, or at least starting a blog to process through all this crazy in your life. Unbelievable.

      You don’t deserve this. No one deserves that. He sounds like a real piece of work, and I’m so sorry for the tragedy in your past, the pain you’ve been through and the continued crazy. May you find peace in yourself and healing in very healthy places.

      I’m glad my blog is one outlet for you — please feel free to use this as a shared platform. We’re all working through our personal demons here.

      Take care, and best of luck with it all. Ugh. 😦

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