Could I Be the Next Bachelorette?

(Subhead: Yeah. Um. Nope. Not a chance…now stop laughing, please. Seriously. Stop laughing…)

Mikalee as the next Bachelorette? No vote of confidence from the daisy.

Would you please accept this...dead gerbera daisy?!?! Didn't think so...


What is it about crappy TV that totally pulls us in? Especially those of us who find ourselves reeling post-betrayal or post-divorce: There’s just something about curling up on the sofa in oversized flannel PJs with a fresh box of wine and a heaping bowl of Cookie Crisp and watching someone whose life may, in fact, be worse than our own.

Of course, it also may be the new reality of endless alone time on our hands. Once my Ex left, I had seemingly infinite stretches of time (especially when the kids were in his custody) to dwell, cry, fixate, ruminate, pontificate, overspeculate, exfoliate and clean my refrigerator coils.

Seriously. My pores practically disappeared, and you could eat off of those goddamn coils.

But it was one ridiculous reality show that pulled me in entirely. And its name was The Bachelorette.

Daffy, I know. And really kinda embarrassing to even admit. But hell, I thought to myself, if I’m going to be a new bachelorette, I should totally watch The Bachelorette and figure out what it’s all about. Right?

Wrong.

First off, there was just entirely too much rejection going on for my freshly-rejected self to process. I first started watching during the season with DeAnna — who had been rejected the season before by Brad. DeAnna then rejected Jason the next season, choosing the juvenile Jesse the snowboarder instead. So Jason became the next Bachelor, rejecting Molly at the end of the season and choosing perky Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Melissa.

Need a bouncing ball yet? Because it’s about to get fun…

Then Jason rejected Melissa on live TV and asked Molly to give him another chance.

He realized he always had feelings for Molly. That he wasn’t over Molly. That during the engagement to Melissa, it was Molly on his mind. That he needed Molly to complete him. That he couldn’t live without Molly.

(Damn those annoying chicks with their annoying names that end in that annoying -ee sound, anyhow…)

The audience collectively sighed as though it had just witnessed the birth of a kitten: “Awwwwwww.”

I, on the other hand, pelted the TV screen with Cookie Crisp chunks and begged host Chris Harrison to sack up and karate chop the douchebag in the throat.

Sadly, he didn’t hear me.

For those who know my back story (feel free to read here for the sordid details), perhaps you can understand why I wanted to hurl a brick at Jason. The story of two loves, one not exactly right, the haunting memory of that perfect old love, rekindling with an ex — it hit too close to home. Like a ton of bricks.

And I seriously hit rock bottom during that season. The exfoliating was overtaken by intoxicating. A whole lot of intoxicating.

Now that I’m sober healed from my post-divorce pain, I have continued to watch The Bachelorette, as well as The Bachelor. It’s my guilty pleasure —  the only reality show I allow myself to follow, out of sheer curiosity about the sociology of competitive dating. With one caveat: I have to continually remind myself that this isn’t real dating.

But that doesn’t stop me from waiting for Boyfriend Brett to take me on safari in some crazy-cool African country like Swaziland, meticulously hand-constructing a spectacular yet quaint tree-house perch made of pure ivory and spun gold and hiring a band of merry buff boys to fan me with palm fronds as I dine on caviar, Diet Coke and Cadbury Mini Eggs. Only the pink ones of course.

Yet I keep waiting…

Anyhow, this season has opened my eyes to many things. The most important realization I’ve had: I will never be The Bachelorette.

Yes, I am a bachelorette. But I couldn’t pull off being The Bachelorette. And here’s why.

The Top 10 Reasons I Will Never Be The Bachelorette:

10. Because I remember Reagan being shot. And my “healthy” childhood snacks included Space Food Sticks and Tang. And I had a Solid Gold lunch box. And I totally wanted to be Sabrina from Charlie’s Angels when I grew up. Or Marie Osmond.

In other words: Born in the wrong decade. Next…

9. Because The Bachelorette + 100 degrees + 100 percent humidity = glowing, dewy, radiant goddess. While Mikalee + 100 degrees + 100 percent humidity = Your. Worst. Nightmare.

Invariably, the cast and crew go on the most exotic of roadies to a dazzling tropical locale.

Sounds perfectly dreamy —  until the inevitable torrential downpours. And when I notice everyone start to become radiant with dew, I think to myself: that would so not be me.

My dear grandmother (God rest her beautiful soul … seriously) used to proclaim, “Women don’t sweat. They glisten.”

Well guess what, Gram: I’m a sweater. Not the variety sporting gaudy patterns that you wear on holidays, but the kind small children follow around because they love to splash in the trail of puddles that undoubtedly would appear beneath me in these aforementioned steamy locales.

8. Because I’m bad with names. And faces, apparently.

I frequently find myself at the end of a season, having breathlessly consumed every ounce of the show up to that point, and yet they interview a guy who I swear I’ve never seen before. I think to myself, “Did they just pluck this guy from the street in an effort to throw her off?” But nope, it turns out he’s been there. The entire time. And in fact, he’s been on a few dates with her. Maybe 17 or so. Alone.

And I’m still confused as to who in the hell he is.

I’d be the only chick in the history of Bachelorette television needing her guys to wear a “Hi, My Name is” tag. Until the very last (dead) gerbera daisy was handed out.

7. Because a shirt on me is just a shirt. A shirt on The Bachelorette is always a dress.

(Translation: I could crush any one of them by merely stepping on them. I believe dwarfs are given preferential status on the application.)

6. Because in order to participate in a fun and sporty date, I’d require training wheels.

Seriously, and I hope you all know that I’m letting you in on a personal secret of unparalleled caliber. You see, when I was little, I never learned how to ride a bike. It’s fairly tragic, really. And on The Bachelorette, there’s always a beach boardwalk bike ride, or a mountain bike ride, or a canyon bike ride. I’d be the first bachelorette to request one of those stupid adult trikes…

Come on now. Three wheels + 1 rear basket = H-O-T. You know you want a piece of this.

(And by the way, yes…I do realize I could probably learn how to ride a bike, and that it would be a piece of cake, and blah blah blah. But now I’m against the idea on principle. And out of sheer stubbornness. And since I’ve been likened to a giraffe what with my long-ass legs and neck — I ask you: Have you ever seen a giraffe ride a bike? Didn’t think so.)

(And by the way #2: I will neither confirm nor deny the fact that this is, indeed, my mom’s bike. And that my dad has one, too. Thanks Mom and Dad for allowing me to use your bike — that I will neither confirm nor deny is yours — for this pic. XOXO.)

5. Because I fixate on stupid things.

Exhibit A: This season, the gang traveled to Phuket.

Come on now: That’s funny shit! And let me tell ya, the “Fuck it” jokes practically write themselves! Yet while I giggle, and giggle some more, and maybe giggle a little more over the aptly named (though admittedly mispronounced) booty-call destination, Boyfriend Brett only seems agitated by my fixation.

Oh well. Phuket.

Exhibit B: So there’s this guy on the show this season with the biggest forehead ever. It’s so wide, his eyes practically live on the sides of his head, like a fish. So I’ve decided that if I went on a date with him, I’d spend the entire time trying to place myself directly in front of his field of vision. Just to see if I’d be invisible to him.

You see? Obsessing. Little things. Buttloads of giggles. And that doesn’t make for good TV.

4. Because my teeth don’t glow.

Post-divorce, and in the absence of having enough money for a boob job, I did the dental-bleaching thing. And holy shit, was that not a good experience. Funny thing is, there were red flags I ignored pre-treatment. Namely:

a. When I walked in, the bleacher chick kept saying to me, “You know, your teeth are already really white…” This made me feel oh-so-confident when I plopped down my check for $985. Plus tax.

b. I have TMJ, which means my jaw pops when opened too wide — and occasionally (like twice in my life) it completely locks when forced open for too long. Sadly, I won’t be revealing the circumstances surrounding the first time my jaw locked from being forced open too long (a girl has to have some secrets…). But the second: Teeth bleaching.

c. Between the jaw lockage and the endless zingers of shooting pain post-bleaching (I was advised, “you may feel sensitivity for a few hours” — make that, twinges for years to come), I’ve never been in so much pain in my life. Well, perhaps that time my face was peeled off

3. Because I freak the fuck out in small spaces.

Caves. Bungalows. Light houses. Cages. All have made appearances on former episodes, and all would send me into a full-on, can’t-breathe-must-die-now panic attack.

2. Because I’m a nervous eater.

If you’ve ever watched this show, you’ll notice that these people go on dates. Yet they never really eat. Sure, they pick at food, and they may even nibble. But the one and only time they end up consuming something, invariably the camera zooms in, revealing a self-conscious bachelor/bachelorette and copious amounts of mastication.

Not sexy.

I, on the other hand, would be eating. The entire time. Despite the producers entreaties to stop, I’d be shoving every sophisticated morsel of dragon fruit and brie cheese and herbed focaccia bread in sight into my pie hole.

And I’d be bumming food off of my dates, too. “You gonna eat that?” would be the catch-phrase of the season.

1. Because despite assertions to the contrary recently made in a courtroom, I AM NOT bat-shit crazy.

Really, that’s the bottom line: Who does this? Who chooses this level of scrutiny, trusts ratings-obsessed-producers to weave an accurate yarn, assumes that a relationship forged through competition can end up translating to happily ever after? Not me. I’ve had enough crazy in my life, thank you very much.

So for now, I will remain a bachelorette … sane yet crazy tall, panicking in small spaces yet remaining wide open to love, wilting in humidity yet growing every day into Me 2.0.

How about you?

  1. Could you be the next Bachelor/Bachelorette?
  2. Do you have a guilty-pleasure show, one that you only watch in complete privacy with a box of wine — especially when overcoming heartbreak?
  3. If you’re watching this season: Fishface (a.k.a. Ames) or JP?
  4. Should I give in and learn to ride a bike? Or is a giraffe on a creepy oversized tricycle as über-sexy as I imagine?

Love ya mean it! 😉

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81 thoughts on “Could I Be the Next Bachelorette?

  1. Iron Spine Sally says:

    Well!

    1. Please, sister. Please. No waaaaaaay. I am so far from their casting ideal I don’t even know where to start.
    2. Most of my guilty pleasure shows involve true crime. But only if it’s a good, upper-middle-class spousal murder. I think it’s because I like to compare my ex’s craziness to that of the killer spouse. It makes me feel better about ‘not seeing it coming.’
    3. I’ve never watched The Bachelorette, but my sister does so religiously. Now that I know there a fishface guy, though… I may have to investigate this.
    4. I also do not know how to ride a bike. Well, that’s not exactly true. I had a bike as a kid but I wasn’t allowed to leave the driveway (thanks for the self-confidence, mom!). It was a handmedown with back-pedal brakes. I’m terrified of handbrakes. I’m sure if I ever got on a bike I’d die. So, yeah… I say if you have the opportunity to learn, you probably should. Then I can live vicariously through you and there will be one less woman in the world with an irrational fear of bicycling. And maybe then I wouldn’t be so scared to learn either. And we’d both develop great bicycler muscles… ?
    Thanks for another great post! 🙂

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      AWESOME! Love your responses. I, too, find true crime stories to be intriguing, and Dateline is the very source that opened me up to the potential diagnosis of “narcisistic personality disorder” for certain people in my life.

      Please, please, PLEASE check out The Bachelorette next week. Then tell me what you think of Fishface. I’d love to hear if I’m just mean-spirited — or if his eyes do indeed seem to be migrating toward his ears…

      I can’t BELIEVE I’ve found a bike-challenged soul sister. Yay us. I think we need a secret handshake now…

  2. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    Because I’m bad with names. And faces, apparently.
    Sweet jeebus, it’s not just me! Often times, I’ll forget someone’s name to have them say encouragingly, “That’s OK. I’m good with faces, too.” To which, of course, I have to honestly reply I’m not good with those, either.

    I don’t have any guilty watches as far as TV’s concerned. As for your question #1? Not a chance in hell. Not only would they never accept me (for about 1,348 very good reasons), but I’ve got enough reality TV people in my life as-is! I’ll stick to second-hand, thanks. 🙂

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Most excellent. I’m glad the elusive name/face thing isn’t exclusive to just me. You know, I really consider myself very other-oriented, and I’m pretty good with people. Why the hell can’t I remember something important like a name — or easier still, a face?

      I’d like to blame the face thing on bad vision. I should be wearing contacts/glasses constantly, but I look like a librarian in glasses. And not the sexy variety…

      Great point about the reality TV drama. I can relate…

      Thanks for the great comment!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      You should totally watch. If only to tell me if Fishface is an apt descriptor! I’d feel bad about the name, but I find him very hard to look at. How would one even make eye contact with this man? By going to one side. Then the other. Then the other. Then the other?

      😉

      Sounds too exhausting to me…

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

  3. O. Leonard says:

    Now that’s some funny shit. I say give in, learn how to ride the bike. Training wheels will look H.O.T. on you, As far as “reality” shows that aren’t real, the two that I would NOT even consider watching are the Bachelor and the Bachelorette, although I have to admit to catching an episode once. I can’t miss America’s Got Talent though, if that is truly a reality show.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Aww, come on: Join us on the Dark Side. The Bachelor/Bachelorette is so much FUN. And stupid. And soul-sucking. And a few hours you’ll never get back — but hell, at least you can feel good about yourself for those few hours, knowing you’ll NEVER be in that situation. It helps me!

      I’ve seen excerpts from America’s Got Talent over the years, and I actually really dig Piers Morgan and Howie Mandel, so it’s good fun.

      I’m so glad you enjoyed the post — thanks for the bike-riding encouragement. It’s now on my bucket list. Lofty ambition, I know… 😉

  4. Harold says:

    1. Married so no (wife wouldn’t like it)
    2. don’t watch TV (but thinking about wine)
    3. see #2
    4. go for it! With those long supple legs and feet on a bike?! WOOHOO! 🙂
    Wait…was I not supposed to mention supple legs and feet on here? oops 😉 (fixation?)
    But really I say do it, I bet you will enjoy it. I have had to put an adult size seat on mine for a uhm…ahem…a big reason down there. NO! Not that! The part that sits!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      1. Yeah, I can imagine the wife wouldn’t be hip to you joining the show. Bummer.
      2. and 3. Wine = good. TV = mindless. Wine + TV = good and mindless, and that’s something I need every once in a while! I’m so glad you don’t — makes you much healthier than I am…
      4. I could go many directions here, but I’ll just say this instead: Thanks for the good laugh this morning! You rock, Harold…

  5. shaunarae67 says:

    Hilarious! I’ve been watching that show on and off I think since the first one! I can’t watch it this season… after the whole Bentley fiasco, I thought, how insecure is this ridiculous girl?! And she’s GOT to know the douche will come back, it’s pretty much a given! Love the top 10! I don’t think anyone goes on that show to find love, they’re just plain stupid. Seriously. No matter how many letters they have after their names nor their high-powered career success, stupid. But it’s like a train wreck, you just can’t NOT watch! How bout the weirdo with the mask? I thought it was cool at first because I thought the guy would be witty or something! Nope. Just creepy with a “k”. Learn to ride the bike. Turn the stubbornness (I can relate) around and tell yourself everyone thinks I can’t do it, well. I’ll prove them wrong! A friend turned me onto your blog, it’s fantastic! I went through a divorce recently too!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      I’m so glad you’re here — welcome! I hope your divorce helps you discover your 2.0 version…I know it can be a rough road, but it can be worth it in the end.

      So you totally acknowledged the elephant in the room: Bentley, the biggest douchebag to ever grace (curse) the screen. I intentionally didn’t want to talk about him — but I so threatened to stop watching after that week. I mean, it’s just sad: She’s clearly in need of some good old-fashioned psycho therapy (aren’t we all…but some more than others), and they do seem to be preying on her for the sake of ratings. Ugly and depressing. But JP keeps me watching! And Fishface too — God I love making jokes at his expense every week. I think I might just be a horrible person.

      And yeah, The Mask: totally with you on that one. Had he simply removed the mask that first night, it would have been a fun and witty gimmick. It just turned into a bizarre stunt, though. Creepy with a “k” sums it up perfectly…

      Thanks for the encouragement about the bike: I’m gonna do it, dammit!

      Take care, and thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment. 🙂

  6. The Water is Deep says:

    I could never be the Bachelorette because I like myself to much and I have zero tolerance for a man with insincere pickup lines, as well as, the first time ‘My Date’ kissed another woman, or two or three, within 24 hours of kissing me…….. I’d clock him on the head with the nearest heavy or sharp and pointy object. I am just seriously to old for that crap. Plus, it appears as if they should all have mandatory Rehab when the show ends.

    I hate that show. And yet…. every Monday morning there I am……… glass of wine in hand…. pre~screaming at everyone in the house to shut the hell up so that I don’t miss some dumbass proclamation of love for some dumbass man who is secretly telling the entire world how ugly he thinks the Bachelorette is. Bentley is WHY I could never be the Bachelorette. And she is the reason why Therapists were invented…. she needs to speak to one before her next ‘Group Date’….. (although she does make my past ‘men choices’ look better and better)….

    And Btw………. I love your Blog. You are so hilarious.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      1. I’m SO with you about the whole kissing thing — let alone the “fantasy suite” dates! I mean, when I was dating, I found myself somewhat creeped out by the knowledge that a guy I was interested in had slept with someone else in the distant past. But last night? Seriously?

      2. Mandatory rehab — such a good idea. I just about died last season when Brad the Bachelor had a shrink come to his mansion on occasion. Hysterical!

      3. I hate the show too. Yet my scene looks eerily like yours: wine in hand, children in bed, throwing Cookie Crisp at Bentley. Good times…

      4. Thank you for the kind compliment. I’m so glad you enjoy! 🙂

  7. groovyrick says:

    Hilarious post! Hmm, questions, eh?
    1.I would never subject myself to that kind of rejection. When I was a kid watching the dating game, I always envisioned myself as the guy that was picked by the bachelorette, and when I came around the wall, she would respond with kind of an “…oh…”
    2.My guilty pleasure show has always been Green Acres (and I don’t really feel guilty about it). As for reality shows, you may want to try American Pickers or Pawn Stars. The only time I feel any heartache there is when they make fun of Chumlee too much.
    3.I’ve never seen an episode of either show, so I would just say “go for the underdog”!
    4.I love bike riding, but I have a really cool-ass mountain bike. I ride it around town so that people will think that I’m at least TRYING to get in shape. If I rode the trike with the basket, people would be more prone to think “poor guy…his motorized scooter must be in the shop”

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Groovyrick, your endearing comment about the Dating Game is totally charming. But just keep in mind that just as likely as someone might be to say, “…oh…,” there also is the possibility it will be an “Ohhh!” I’m so not a glass-half-full type of person, but I’d encourage you to be! 😉

      Green Acres: that’s quite the confession. And at some point, I might tell you about my secret obsession with Little House on the Prairie.

      Love your analysis of the bike/scooter — hysterical! Maybe I should get a cool mountain bike and just walk it around town. Now that would make me seem very outdoorsy. And uber sexy…

      Thanks for the comment, friend!

  8. John says:

    This article is hilarious. You know how I can tell it’s hilarious? Because I couldn’t give two poops about The Bachelorette, have never seen the show, wasn’t even aware that it existed… and yet I laughed many times.

    My guilty pleasure shows… I really enjoy watching Andrew Zimmern eat gross/disturbing things. And I watch Ghost Hunters. That’s one of those things I do NOT like to admit.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      *Gasp!* You’ve NEVER heard of The Bachelorette?!?! Now that’s bat-shit crazy!

      😉

      Actually, it seems to me you spend your time far more wisely. Good for you. I can’t handle the eating-of-gross- things show, but Ghost Hunters — another occasional guilty pleasure. Though I more enjoy Ghost Adventures, just because bad-actor-Zack in his skin-tight shirts and crazy hair makes me smile. In a “poor, poor insecure guy” kinda way…

      Thanks for stopping by, Mr. Freshly Pressed. Congrats again — well deserved!

  9. Shawn Griffin says:

    1. Uh no. Not only do I remember when Reagan was shot, but I also remember standing in line to see “Porky’s” at the movie theater. Do you remember that movie? Kim Catrall? Can anyone forget the word, “tallywacker”?

    2. “The Bachelor” is a guilty pleasure as well, but so is “The Real L Word” on Showtime. Who knew that women could be so much like men?

    3. Not yet, it is on DVR though.

    4. Totally uber-sexy.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      1. OK, crazy confession: I remember vividly my dad coming home from a business trip when I was little, and I recall overhearing him admit to my mom that he saw Porky’s while gone (not thinking it was a big deal, I’m guessing). And I remember her not being happy about it (that might be a little bit of an understatement). And since then, I’ve had no desire to see the movie: It’s almost like a piece of my childhood that I’d rather forget!

      2. Never seen The Real L Word. Must research…

      3. Have fun with it. Let me know if you agree with the Fishface observation. And I totally think Ben and Constantine are the same person…

      4. 😉

  10. jlmx2 says:

    Bwahahaha!! I’m laughing too hard to really comment!!

    It’s my guilty pleasure, too, but I usually sit there and make snarky/sarcastic comments about the players! My family says that I provide the comic narration. 😉

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      In my home, I’m the MASTER of snarky Bachelorette comments! That’s too funny — good to know I’m not alone. Of course, I’ve only recently pulled Boyfriend Brett into the frey, kicking and screaming. But I think he secretly likes it…even my own version of comic narration.

      And while we’re at it: Do you think that Ben F and Constantine are the same person. Cuz I have a sneaking suspicion…

      Thanks for proving YET AGAIN that we’re all more the same than we are different. Especially my super-cool blog readers. 🙂

      • jlmx2 says:

        I can’t speak for ALL of your blog readers, but THIS one is most definitely super-cool! YES, I think Ben F and Constantine are totally the same dude. I can’t figure which one is which half the time!
        As far as snarky commenting, my husband finds it amusing and now I’ve rubbed off on my 16 year old son! He catches himself draped over the loveseat watching The Bachelorette and snarky-commenting right along with his old mama. 🙂 Fun times!

        • Mikalee Byerman says:

          What a great way to bond as a family! I can’t wait for my kids to get old enough. As for now, the potential for having to justify the “Fantasy Suite” and answer, “Mom, why is this woman kissing so many men on the same night” are just too much for me…

  11. Mike Wachsman says:

    !. I could not EVER be The Bachelor … even though I was A bachelor for a pretty long time (not getting married until I was 32). I have WAYYYY too many strange habits to have exposed on the television.

    2. I don’t watch it with a box of wine (or any real heartbreak), but American Jail is a great show … one because I’m NOT on it for doing something stupid/crazy/dangerous, and because if you really want to see the lowest common denominator in action that’s the place to be.

    3. Don’t watch, so can’t comment … though I will admit to also thinking Phuket is EXTREMELY funny. Comedy gold right there.

    4. If you don’t stand for something you’ll for anything, and if your stand is against pedaling yourself around town on two wheels then more power to ya, darlin’. Here’s a little secret — it’s not all THAT much fun, especially if you live in a busy city or somewhere with no bike paths. You think that automobiles care much about bikers? Not quite. Too much effort just to stay upright, so I say pass.

    Two things — one, I love your reference to the guy with the huge forehead … or, as I like to call it, fivehead. The first time I ever saw one was when Marcia Cross was on Melrose Place …. don’t believe me? Just examine the videotape!

    Second, kind of intrigued by the jaw locking bit … well, not the locking per se but the reason for said mandibular event. But I’ll let you keep that secret …

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Hmm, Mike, do tell: Strange habits? Perhaps if you spill yours, I’ll reveal the source of jaw lockage #1. On second thought: Nah…

      😉

      Thanks for the tip about American Jail — and for appreciating the comedy of Phuket. And btw, I’m now incorporating “fivehead” into my daily repertoire. I LOVE it!

  12. Mark Petruska says:

    I also remember the day John Lennon was shot. That might have packed more of an emotional wallop for me. And for the record, you’re exactly the type of woman I’d hope to find on a show like that, because you put the real in reality television!

    1. Hell to the no. I take enough rejection from returned query letters stamped “not for us.” The last thing I need is romantic heartbreak on national TV.

    2. I’ve been watching a lot of “King of Queens” reruns lately. Not really a guilty pleasure though, since Kevin James is Da Bomb.

    3. Fishface. Actually, I have no idea, since I don’t watch the show. But I usually root for the underdog, and with a nickname like that, I’m guessing Ames is the underdog.

    4. Start slow and learn to ride a scooter first. Now, that’s hot.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Too funny, Mark: John Lennon’s death had more impact on you than Reagan being shot? Of course, I think the first real “tragedy” to hit me was when the Rob and Fab of Milli Vanilli were exposed as frauds. That was a dark day in a certain young Byerman’s life…

      Agreed: Kevin James is da bomb. And don’t feel sorry for Fishface: He attended school at Yale, Harvard and Columbia and admitted to flying to Thailand once just to take a cooking class. I kinda doubt he’s used to being much of an underdog…or perhaps he’s just overcompensating for his forehead? 😉

  13. Jackie Shelton says:

    As much as I love tv (and I do), I don’t watch reality shows because I find reality to be depressing. I would rather not know these people exist. I thank you for taking the bullet and watching it for us. And for sharing your experiences in such a hilarious way. And speaking of a box of wine, we must share some very soon. 😉

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      So true: Reality is depressing. But even more depressing is the reality that is anything but reality depicted on these shows.

      And yet, I watch. You’re welcome. Bullet accepted — as long as wine is involved.

      Agreed – wine soon! 🙂

  14. Single Malt Monkey says:

    Very funny. We don’t have this show here (thank God) but many others along the same lines (or maybe we do have a show like it and I don;t know !). Anyway, I confess to enjoying the X-Factor last season …..and I know several other “Don’t you dare mention this in public” types who did too.

    Giraffe on a Bike……………Google search “Images”……….need I say more?

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Well, your X-Factor secret is safe with me … and my tens of thousands of visitors. 😉

      Also, I’m shocked: Here I thought I was the first to imagine a giraffe on a bicycle! Clearly not, and many of the images made me laugh out loud. I can so relate to the discomfort experienced by my animal counterparts…don’t they just look frustrated? And cumbersome? And unnatural? Hence my justification to NOT learn how to ride a bike…

  15. Ashley says:

    My guilty pleasure is one of the Real Houswives shows…not sure which one, but they’re all blonde. I kinda get a kick out of all the really bad plastic surgery:/ The only reality show I would like to be on – if it’s even a reality show – is the one where you find junk in your attic, and some dude tells you it’s worth tens of thousands of dollars. Sometimes I think that these shows are popular because folks get a sense of schadenfreude watching them. Sad state of affairs, indeed, but most television these days is, unfortunately.

    Personally, I’m just waiting for True Blood to come back on:)

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      I typically take in Real Housewives while on the elliptical at the gym — their fake bodies inspire me, for some reason! But I actually have enjoyed seeing the DC version every once in a while, because there’s actually a “real” Real Housewife who is not a puppet and seems to speak her mind. I like her…

      Never seen True Blood — may have to watch now, upon your recommendation!

  16. JW says:

    I was laughing at this until i realized that seven out of ten on your list also (feel free to guess which seven…) apply to me, meaning I likely also will never be the Bacherlorette…

  17. sperm Donors Wife says:

    I am soon going to be on a “SAY Yes To the Dress” episode. As my daughter just got married and they filmed the entire wedding. I may be up for “Mother in Law from Hell” when they misrepresent my anxiety and concerns about who my daughter was marrying ! I had a big problem with the 14 year age difference and that it was” a sign”… the wedding dress was twice wrongly ordered, and then the veil too !

    Guilty pleasure show to overcome heartbreak and anxiety… was watching the show about DNA tests results for “Who is the father”… (why can’t I remember the name of Maury Povich’s show”???) Oh well, for years I held out hope that because BAT_SHIT_CRAZY-Babymama -by choice (who was legally married to another man ) who stalked and coerced my husband into gifting his NORDIC SPERM to her, knew he was possibly also “not the father”… and that was why, for 8 years, she failed to demand a DNA test to prove paternity to allow me to be a “STEP-MOM-by choice”. Perhaps she had a third, unknown option for her inappropriate conception ? OTHERWISE I loved 24. I’m an emotional eater too… I wonder why ?

    Perhaps Lifetime Network can use my sperm donor, wife legal drama for a new show… “INAPPROPRIATE WIVES ” …who won’t get out of the way of the covetous, interloping, newer, domestic goddess !
    Because what better a drama of a real world example of despicable, competitive, insane, throat-slashing female behavior.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      You definitely have a reality/Lifetime show in progress, that’s for sure…

      And are you REALLY on a future episode of Say Yes to the Dress? You’ll have to tell us all when it airs — how cool! Well, as long as they do you justice, that is… 🙂

        • Someone Who Understands says:

          I love that show. I remember dress shopping. Horror! 🙂 I left each session feeling as if I had drowned in lace, silk and taffeta and wanted to run screaming into the streets in that damned hoop skirt they kept trying to get me to wear. At 5’3″, a hoop skirt was just not a good look!

  18. Dana says:

    I’ve watched a few seasons, but have recently gotten into other shows (Hoarders, Toddlers and Tiaras…don’t judge) But I love how the girls sob and cry (when they’re dumped) over the guy they spent 20 minutes with lol.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Absolutely right, Dana! Or the girls/guys who say, “I’m totally falling in love with this girl/guy.” Um, hello…didn’t you just meet like YESTERDAY?

      Toddlers and Tiaras, huh? I love it! I can certainly understand watching for the train-wreck quality, but as the mother of a beautiful 8-year-old myself, I think I’d be too sickened by the parents. It affirms for me the idea that some people are NEVER meant to procreate…

      • Dana says:

        LOL Mickalee-the parents are CRAZY on T&T. Some of it borders abusive-who makes a 5 year old put on baby oil and go tanning. Or spray tanning? Yes…some people aren’t fit to have pets let alone children!

  19. Nicole @ Of Cookies & Carrots says:

    Oh my GOD you are so funny, this post was hysterical! 🙂 I definitely could NOT be the next bachelorette for many of the reasons you listed but ultimately mostly because I nearly vomit every time I hear someone on those shows say “I’m just so falling in love with two different people and I don’t knwo what to do with myself”
    That ain’t love, honey. That’s lust. And “reality” television scripts. GAH.

    Anyways, thank you for your sweet comment on my blog. 🙂 I am loving yours & your sass… I’ll be back for more I’m sure 😉

    n

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Hi, Nicole! I loved your blog, and I’m so glad you’ve stopped by mine — thank you!

      Yes, I was just mentioning in another comment how much it annoys me when the “star” of the show talks about how “in love” they are. I realize it may be my jaded self talking, but come on: It’s a competition. You’re given all these unreal, crazy elaborate experiences. And you’ve fallen in love based on like 30 minutes of together time? I think not — I think you’re in love with fame, money being thrown at you, people competing (literally) for your attention.

      Love? I think not. Emotional giddyness based on a surreal experience and the promise of a lifetime of fame? Yeah, I’d buy that…

  20. RK says:

    Finally, someone else sees the humor in the whole “Phuket” episode. My take was more like, “this show sucks. Phuket.” But I digress.

    I haven’t watched this show in about 8 years. I was quite pregnant with my first child — I blame pregnancy hormones for pulling me in. This time … holy cow. So. Much. To. Say. Let’s start with you, Zorro.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Zorro indeed! I mean, I’m all for a good gimmick…but this dude let it get entirely too carried away. I kinda feel sorry for him, because I think he went in well intentioned…but came out just seeming creepy!

  21. Tina Thomas says:

    I don’t watch it. I’m too fed up with “reality” TV. It’s enough to make the entire country go bat shit crazy! Damn! I’d rather see the soaps than half this talk show/reality programming they are forcing down our throats! Anyway, I’m glad you’re back…Missed you!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Oh, I wish I were as well adjusted as you … but instead, I watch The Bachelorette weekly, AND I could probably tell you about most of the story arcs on the soaps. Not that I’ve watched them recently … just that they probably haven’t changed since high school! 😉

  22. charlywalker says:

    Mob Wives……..I love their sparkling personalities…it’s hard to follow the dialogue though…too many “bleeps” in a sentence.
    oh well..”it’s just Business”……..

    Great Post Mikalee!

  23. Jonathan says:

    Just rediscovered your blog quite by accident (I’m back blogging again, reading, and commenting), and laughing out loud at this post. Still grinning while writing this.

    It’s good to be back 🙂

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Yay Jonathan! I’m so glad you’re back…thanks for stopping by, and I hope to see you around “these parts” again.

      Do they have “The Bachelorette” in your neck of the woods? I would guess the British are too sophisticated for such sappy, sordid stories… 😉

  24. faithandstagefright says:

    So, I don’t watch the Bachelorette … But I totally would if you were on it! I would make exception to my self-imposed reality TV ban just to cheer you on and giggle with you.

    Phuket? Totally hilarious … 🙂

  25. Bean says:

    Thanks for the lovely comment you left on my blog! 🙂

    I have to say that you are hilarious! I’m also pretty tall, a nervous eater and definitely don’t “glisten” when I sweat – no bachelorette-ing it up for me! haha.

  26. arcanewhisper says:

    Hahah this was great. I used to watch The Bachlorette a lot, but not anymore. It’s too crazy now! This post gave me a good chuckle, keep it up 🙂

  27. TheBlueMorpho says:

    First off, your writing is hilarious!
    Secondly, I could never be a bachelorette, because I’m picky when it comes to guys. Also, I dont feel that you can fall in love with a person when you’re only given a select group of men to choose from. And, isnt it awkward to be messing around with a bunch of guys and then at the end, tell one of them out of all the guys you slept around with on the show you like him the best? I couldnt do that. Plus, who would want their love life shown on tv for millions to see?

    Btw, I’ve got TMJ too. It sucks, dont it? My jaw clicks everytime I open it, or chew food or anything. And it gets stuck too whenever I hold it open at the dentist office. So you’re not alone. I feel your pain.

    http://lifeslittletreasures.wordpress.com/
    http://thebluemorpho.wordpress.com/

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      A kindred spirit!!! Yay!!!

      I just wince these days while watching The Bachelorette. It’s all so uncomfortable and crazy — and yet, it also helps me feel just a bit more centered in my own wacky life! I’m totally with you on the sleeping around on national TV business…who can do that? These people, I guess…

      Thanks so much for the great feedback and comment — and here’s to a non-invasive TMJ cure in our lifetimes!

  28. Sarah Een says:

    I remember your parents and your sweet grandma. I love, love, love this one. Very informative. I smoke and am always worried about my teeth despite the fact that they are very white (I only tan to make my teeth seem whiter) I have the $300 bleach from the dentist with the trays and it hurts, and my teeth already are white, my dentist told me to the 10% so of course I got the 40%..yeah, pain, so bad..I wear it while I’m tanning to kill two birds. Joel got the 10 and can’t even wear it. Anyhow, I digress but have to close with “are you gonna eat?” is hilarious. I watch a lot of crap but never did get into the bachelor, those forced relationships on film are just not gonna work. Oh and the chicks aren’t real bright or even cute.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      That’s so sweet of you to say — I do have wonderful folks, and my Gram just passed away a year ago. She was an amazing woman, and I think about her so often…

      I have to laugh at your bleaching situation. It DOES hurt, right?!?! Though it sounds like you’re going a bit crazy…perhaps up the tan level, and down the bleach? Just a little? 😉

  29. Jenbug says:

    Learning to ride a bike is still one of my most exhilarating and liberating accomplishments! I think you would LOVE riding a bike. When you’re finally confident on those two wheels and the wind’s whipping through your hair and you turn a corner and no one can see which direction you go next, is the best freaking feeling in the world.

If you do not leave a comment, you will further shatter my already broken spirit. If you can live with that guilt, so be it... ;)

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