Oh Oh Oh…Merry Christmas!* (A Pictorial Retrospective)

Looks like Brett and I can now boast that we’ve both had our heads between Dora’s legs…

Here’s an honest-to-God postito, friends … just to check in and share some pix that made me smile.

I have to say, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much in my life as I have this holiday season.

And the truly odd part: I wasn’t even supposed to have my children this Christmas.

But the ex decided to accept a job out of town on Christmas day, bringing the kids over at 8 on Christmas Eve. And Brett, the kids and I haven’t stopped laughing since.

Because in my haste to get everything wrapped up in time, I discovered that there really is a right way to orient a gift tag on a gift.

Crap. Talk about changing the message — suddenly Santa’s giving the big “oh”? Awesome…I’m the woman who wrapped her kids’ gifts in porn paper…

Then that night, we decided to send Santa a very “meta” message (and I’m hopeful the kids “heard” the message too, despite what they’ve been told by certain Grinches in their lives whose hearts are three sizes too small):

My son woke up the next morning to discover that Santa has a sense of humor of his own:

My son? He wasn’t amused, considering this note from Santa was hidden under his stocking. I’ve never seen such a confused, terrified look on his face in my life — not even in reference to the Lady in Red.

And then I discovered Santa — he REALLY knows me. Not only did he leave me the Dora hat (the kids are now convinced Santa reads my blog … how’s that for some mighty power?), but he also left me this:

What’s that between Dora’s legs? Why, Tylenol PM of course. Doesn’t everyone get Tylenol PM in their stockings?

…and this:

Deck the halls with cans of Diet Coke fa la la la la, la la la la.

And Boyfriend Brett set out to find me the creepiest ornament he could find this year:

Mission accomplished, babe. (“But it was a SQUIRREL,” he asserted…)

And as it turns out: Santa knows Brett pretty well, too…

I told the kids, “Look guys, Santa brought Brett a year’s supply of his favorites!” Little did they know it would be gone by New Year’s Eve…

Even my brother got in on the spirit of bizarre this year, giving Brett and me our very own sets of this year’s airplane essential for Amazonians: the Knee Defender. Its motto: “Standing up for the right of the tall guy to sit down.”

The Knee Defender consists of braces that go on the seat back tray table and thus prevent reclining, helping you “…defend the space you need when confronted by a faceless, determined seat recliner who doesn’t care how long your legs are or about anything else that might be ‘back there.'”

Awesome. I can hardly wait for the mid-flight, air-marshal-refereed scuffle that will be happening on our next trip. Thanks brother, and I’ll call you from airport jail!

But of course, a highlight of this year’s celebration was Brett’s expression to his “private” gift during our “private” gift exchange: a copy of the New York Times Best Seller Extraordinary Chickens.

Seriously. They’re not just ordinary; they’re extraordinary.

(In truth: Not entirely sure the book made the New York Times list. But it totally shoulda.)

 

All in all, it was the most magical Christmas I’ve ever had. And this caps off the most bizarre year of my life. The new year can’t come soon enough…

I’ll be back soon, most likely with a New Year’s themed post … considering it seems the thing to do and all. And I’m such a sheep, as you all know.

But in the meantime, I wanted to wish you all the happiest of New Years…and ask you: How has your holiday been thus far? Any awesome/creepy/bizarre gifts? Who’s ready for 2012?

I’ll be raising a glass to each and every one of you tomorrow night.

Happy New Year, friends!

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* Dear new subscribers: I’m SO grateful for the huge influx of subscriptions I’ve received in response to my most recent post, Jesus is my Trash Man. But I am just a wee bit concerned, as I’ve taken heed of many of your screen and blog names, some of which contain words like “Reverend,” “Faith,” “Dove,” “Purity” and “Everlasting Light.” But please know: My humor tends to be a bit on the…well, let’s just say macabre side. Sometimes even snarky. Perhaps bitter and jaded. And I may throw around a gratuitous “shit,” “dangit” or “hot damn” every once in a while. But please stick around, as my irreverent quips and drunken sailor language often belie my optimistic, reverential, even sunny disposition. Honest. Scout’s fuckin’ honor. 😉

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85 thoughts on “Oh Oh Oh…Merry Christmas!* (A Pictorial Retrospective)

  1. Patti Ross says:

    Must laugh. Must laugh A LOT! Sounds like you had a fun unexpected Christmas! I love your quirky sense of humor. Other than you prefer diet coke over diet pepsi, your posts are great. Happy New Year. I will be sharing drinks with you and all the others tomorrow night.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Well, Patti, I guess we just have to come to grips with our differences (Diet Pepsi?!?! Really?!?!) and embrace the similarities — like that you and I both find humor in the quirky side of life. Thank you for reading and enjoying enough to comment. Happy 2012 to you and yours!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      …and same to you! That ornament was bizarre — can’t tell you I felt bad about packing it up with the rest of the Christmas stuff, though the idea of it with that creepy smile while stuffed in a box is almost enough to give me nightmares.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      I know, right? I guess I’m still trying to slowly acclimate my new “faith,” “pastoral” and “living light” readers to my particular brand of brazen sailor language.

      But happy fucking New Year to you and yours, Ken! 😉

  2. trailertrashdeluxe says:

    I’ve had entirely enough of 2011. I’ll be raising a toast to my blogging friends on Saturday. Neato that you had the unexpected XMas gift of having the kids. What sort of alcohol is that fat bottle on top of the ales?

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Me too — 2011 sucked ass. 😦

      The booze on top is Chambord, which is a raspberry liqueur. Never had it myself, but Boyfriend Brett says it’s good on ice cream. Sounds like a plan to me…

    • scott says:

      Agreed! Good post, great footnote. Aren’t they all in for a big fuckin’ surprise in 2012! So glad I found you this year. I always come away smiling after spending time reading your posts. I’ve survived Christmas with my parents spending the week in my house and for that treason alone I am looking forward to 2012. A Happy New Year to you as well.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      All true, Ruth. You can’t make this shit up. I’m still getting a significant influx based on that post — so afraid of watching my numbers plummet as these new subscribers figure out who I really am… 😉

  3. Harold says:

    Laughing right along with you. Glad you had a great Christmas. All things considered ours was OK. With a trip to Indiana for the wifes family annual after Christmas get together, a good time. Hoping for a better 2012! Let’s raise them high!!!

  4. SaptarshiC says:

    “Looks like Brett and I can now boast that we’ve both had our heads between Dora’s legs…”

    I sincerely wonder what poor Dora has to say about that? 😛

  5. SueMarue says:

    Oh my gawd, Mikalee! I love your writing. Thanks for making me laugh. Your blog is one of the best things I found this year ‘cos it always makes me smile, even when I’ve had a cruddy day. My Christmas was good, despite my hubby going to the hospital with flu complications a few days before. Thank baby Jesus I didn’t get sick. I’ll be raising a glass to you on NYE. Have a good one!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Wow — how HORRIBLE! I hope all are now healed and happy in your house — not a good way to spend the holidays.

      Thank you so much for the kind words, the great comments and for raising a glass in my general direction. Happy 2012 to you, SueMarue!

  6. mj monaghan says:

    Creepiest ornament – Oh Yah!!
    Diet Coke – all day long.
    Tylenol PM – I needed some for the cramps from waiting for my Me 2.0 fix!!

    So glad you got the kids – surprise or not. It’s always way more fun at Christmas that way!

    Happy New Year, Mikalee and Brett

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Glad you concur, my friend — and sorry for the cramp-inducing waiting game. The kids (and the extra shopping…and the extra decorating…and the Christmas-light-viewing…and the kid-inspired festivities) threw me for a bit of a loop, but it was ALL good!

      Happy 2012, my friend. Yay!

  7. Bruce Stambaugh says:

    Mikalee,

    Thanks for another fun post. I especially appreciated the OH Christmas wrapping in honor of those of us who just happen to live in OH. That was very nice of you to think of us as you wrapped your gifts.

    I for one plan on having a great 2012. I hope you do as well.

    Bruce

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Haha — you know, I was able to find another roll of “OH” paper in the post-Christmas sales bins. Apparently they needed to ship all those rolls to your neck of the woods — and they’d probably get full price!

      Congrats on a great blogging year, Bruce — here’s to more in 2012!

  8. renowriter says:

    Another great post. Happy New Years. Somehow I think Dora is a bit used to it by now. I mean, if all those hats had a collective consciousness they could probably put the bunny ranch to shame with their list of whos been where. 😉
    As far as the new subscribers go, think of all the new new subscribers when the 700 club decides to try to take you on for your “snarky…bitter and jaded… sunny… drunken sailor language.” Blog marketing GENIUS!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Good point. Instead of an “if these walls could talk” theme, we could do an “if the inside of this skirt could talk” documentary. Very enlightening, I’m sure.

      I’ll let you know if the 700 Club gets in touch. That would only be further proof that The Universe is listening — and mocking me!

      Happy New Year to you, too!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Yeah. It could TOTALLY murder me in my sleep. I just responded to another comment, indicating how creeped out I am just KNOWING that ornament is all smiley and creepy inside of a box in my garage. That’s a character in a horror movie if I’ve ever heard of one — the boxed up Christmas ornament. Boxed up in rage and fury. Smiling. (*shudders*)

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Agreed — the ornament is totally ME! Of course, I don’t understand the ear muffs (does a Diet Coke can have ears? And if so, do they get cold?). But whatever — fuck it. 😉

      Happy New Year to you and yours too, Mark!

  9. Ashley says:

    Love the Blue Moon shot – my FAVORITE beer ever (I’m partial to the Winter Abbey Ale). So glad to see 2011 go; staying hopeful for 2012. Happy New Year Mikalee:)

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Brett’s all-time fave is the pumpkin ale, but it’s seasonal and very hard to find…so that was a score. He does love the Winter Abbey Ale as well.

      Happy 2012 to you too — this year HAS to be better than the last, right?

  10. Posky says:

    Between the Dora hat and the stocking made out of Cookie-Monster skin, I’m going to be all set for holiday themed nightmares for the next few weeks.

    All in all, a good post.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Glad I could provide adequate nightmare fodder for you, Posky — mission accomplished. Though that fuckin’ squirrel is what does it for me…

      Thanks for the comment — happy 2012 to you!

  11. lexy3587 says:

    hilarious 🙂
    My favourite ‘disturbing christmas themed item’ in my area is a giant inflatible santa with a red glowing light and strange bulge right at crotch level… looks like rudolph might be down his pants

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      How — disturbing??? Seriously — therapy issues for years in your neighborhood, I would think…

      Thanks for reading and sharing … although the image in my head can’t be as funny as the real thing!

  12. groovyrick says:

    I wonder if some sick mind will come up with a porno version of Dora. Years ago, when I was in radio, I was doing a remote from a comic book shop…(I’ll leave a little space here so you can sarcastically mutter to yourself “wow, great gig Rick”)…I mentioned to the manager that the only comic books I read as a kid were Archie comics, and had a crush on Betty more than Veronica. He immediately went behind the counter and produced a comic book called “Cherry Poptart” and said, “Have you ever seen THIS?” It was a pornographic comic book starring Cherry Poptart, who was drawn to look exactly like Betty Cooper…that’s right, the same sweet girl who sang lead on “Jingle Jangle”. You can’t imagine how disgusted and taken aback I was! I still feel that way all these years later when I take it out and read it. 🙂

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Now first, I would never judge your “great gig,” Rick — I have personally done too many radio remotes myself from such upscale locations as dry cleaners, music stores, furniture outlets and hole-in-the-wall bars to ever judge your comic book shop!

      Second: Wow, that’s seriously disturbing. I’ve heard of some bizarre fetishes — but really?!?! Glad you’re still able to enjoy it, again and again… 😉

      Happy 2012, groovyrick!

  13. Surabhi Naik says:

    You look awful lot like Emma Stone from Easy A and Zombieland in that first picture. I love Emma Stone. But, I’m starting to think that I enjoy reading your blog more than watching her movies.

    Thanks for being there and the sailor lingo. 🙂 *new year wishes*

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      You’re too kind — but thank you. Not sure about the Emma Stone resemblance, though I absolutely LOVED her in Easy A. I do love her snarky and sassy attitude as reflected through her movies … so your comment made for a nice compliment!

      Happy 2012 to you…

      🙂

  14. Shawn Griffin says:

    Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville – did not. The Grinch hated Christmas – the whole Christmas season. Now, please don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn’t screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all… was that Mikalee’s hilarious holiday postitoes were just not enough to keep us from road rage outside the local suburban mall.

    All that is left now for the New Year is to finish off my yams and week-old rare Who roast beast.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      So, true story: My daughter as a baby looked exactly like Cindy Lou-Who, so my family quotes The Grinch ad nauseum in my house! Plus, we’ve always called “roast beef” “roast beast.” So your adaptation was entirely touching, Shawn…just like you’re a part of the family!

      😉

      I’m glad you find the postitoes hilarious, though I’m sad to be blamed for the road rage and all. I never knew the power of my words…

      Happy New Year to you — enjoy those yams and roast beast, friend!

  15. Main Street Musings Blog says:

    Highly entertaining post! The beer photo resignated with me—believe it or not, I just visited the Coors factory in Golden, CO –I was in the “Blue Moon” tour group! Can’t beat the tour–it really does end with free beer.

  16. Jonathan says:

    Happy Christmas (and this is where I deny I have ever seen that chicken book before in the world ever, honest… we definitely don’t have a copy of that somewhere) 🙂

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      …especially not located in your bookshelf in the living room, third shelf down, fourth book in, right? Definitely NOT the one with the dog-eared pages…

      Happy 2012 to you, Jonathan!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Of course! But I must warn you: there may be therapy issues down the road. I’ve never seen my son deflate quite like that (of course, he then got a good laugh out of it once he realized it was a joke…).

      😉

  17. J. Eric Smith says:

    oh oh oh oh Oh Oh Oh Oh OH OH OH OH OH OH OH KNEE DEFENDERS!!!!!!!!!!

    I am so TOTALLY ordering a pair . . . while tall people generally rule the world, air travel is one of the few places where I feel like the ankle biters and knee midges get an unfair advantage, so I am wholly in favor of tipping the scales back our way through the use of clever devices like this one . . .

    Now I just need a device that blows up people’s iPods when they play them on the plane so loudly that I can hear nothing but the ksssh ksssh ksssh of their crappy, tinny ear buds all flight long . . .

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Creative little gadgets to be sure, but I must admit to struggling a wee bit with the morality of their use.

      Of course, I say that until I get on a stupid plane the next time, and the stupid person in front of me slams my stupid knees with his stupid chair.

      Dick. Serves him right.

      (Yeah, I may have issues…)

      Let me know if you find a remote iPod explosion detonation system. No problems with the morality of that one…

  18. jaredblakedicroce says:

    Personally, i think the, “Oh, Oh, Oh” present was wrapped precisely as intended 😉 It’s always fun for me to take my mini vacations here to your blog, so today I would like to thank you.
    You, Mikalee, are one of my 7 recipients for the prestigious, “7×7 blogger award”.
    I know, overwhelming… breathe in a paper bag or something, i hear that helps.
    Anywho, check it out here: http://wp.me/p1gY1u-us and pay it forward if you’re feeling it. (And stay away from the apple pie 😉 ) ~J

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      I have to tell you: The present wrapping was COMPLETELY unintended. I would own it if it were planned, promise. But nope, I’m just that dense sometimes…

      And you know how honored I am by the award…thank you! Gotta love the apple pie reference, too.

  19. pamelazimmer says:

    Hi, came across your blog from Tales from the Motherland – she linked to you – and so glad I stayed a while to read, and really truly LOL! I love your sarcastic (yet honest) humor, and am certainly ready for some of that drunken sailor talk. Ahoy!
    Happy New Year! 🙂

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Ahoy there, pamelazimmer … and thank you for visiting. Tales from the Motherland is one of my absolute faves, so because you knew the password (shhhh…don’t tell anyone else, or I may have to ask you to walk the plank), you’re more than welcome to stay.

      Happy New Year to you, too — this one just HAS to be better than the last, if you ask me!

  20. mj monaghan says:

    Here’s another award for your holster, my friend:

    Congratulations! It’s official – The Academy, okay, mj monaghan, has recognized your wonderful blog with the Versatile Blogger Award!

    Here’s the envelope with more details: http://wp.me/p1JIsL-cQ!

    Need more posts, me need more posts, me need 2.0 posts, me 2.0 needs to post – see how I worked it to Me 2.0! I so cleva! and ebonical!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Cleva, ebonical … maybe even a little diabolical (in an impishly devilish kinda way…).

      Thank you so much for the award, my friend. You know I love it. It will sit on my shelf for at least 30 years, judging from the Miss Teen Reno trophy I just showed all of you…

      😉

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