What are you looking at?

Yeah, that’s right. You. Right there. I see you, with that perplexed look on your face. That furled brow. That “who-the-Methuselah is this baby, and why am I getting an email from this person I had practically forgotten even existed?” look.

Your judgment is oozing through the screen. And trust me, as a baby, I happen to know a LOT about oozing.

But didn’t anyone ever tell you not to judge? I mean, come on. I’m just a sweet little delicate innocent baby.

A sweet little delicate innocent gurgling bundle of oozing joy with one thing to say: WTF?!?!?!?!

And by that, I mean, “What the holy-dinglemuff-squishmitten-nuggetmonkey FUDGE?” I know that may sound harsh, but desperate times call for desperate, really long and drawn-out profanities.

Mom tells me “fudge” is the worst word I can ever, ever, ever, ever use, and to only reserve it for serious times. And this seems serious.

Fudge it. That’s right. Fudge it. I’m here, and I’m going to fudging swear when I fudging want to. Mom does, after all. Why can’t I?

(Editor’s note: Mom here. I’m not entirely sure I told her “fudge” was the worst word ever, but fuck it — who am I to corrupt such sweet innocence? Oh yeah, and sweetheart: stop swearing. K? K.)

Anyhow, I’ve been through a lot. And I mean A LOT. Only a few months ago, there I was: floating around, content, surrounded by warm liquid squishiness. Sure, “Mom” (as she alleges she should be called) had been an emo hot mess for months, but I learned to cope. I liked my dark and bubbly home. Even though I was surprised to find myself there.

“Mom” says she was even more surprised. Brett too.

A quick aside: Yeah, I call him Brett. That’s what my big brother and big sister call him, after all. He keeps trying to call himself “Dad,” but my brother and sister disappear occasionally to go live with Dad and some woman named Marilyn. Can’t wait to meet Dad someday…

But I digress.

Anyhow, here’s the story of the past year. Or at least what they claim happened.

Supposedly, one day, Brett “proposed.”

Whatever that means.

Hey, I’m just telling the story. Don’t be a judger.

And everyone was all gooey and sappy and lovey-dovey and whatnot. But “Mom”? She was terrified. Horrified. Petrified. And every other word ending in “-fied.” Except countryfied. Or semideified. Or fructified.

(Editor’s note: Mom here…yet again. First, sweet baby, stop putting my name in quotes. Seriously. That’s my name. And “Dad” really is Dad. Secondly, “fructified” means “bore fruit.” So technically, I may have been fructified. But more on that later.)

So for her own reasons — which she claims she’ll expand on in a future post, along with some juicy details about certain people she says you all know and love — well, Mom and Brett decided to get married. Quickly. Like, one month after Brett popped the question.

Personally, I think it’s because Mom was scared and decided to just rip the Band-Aid off. I mean, is it just me, or does she seem, like, really punchy and skittish — particularly around men who claim their undying love and bricks and death metal rockers? Odd.

But anyhow.

In a remarkable bit of coincidental timing, nine months to the DAY after they got married, I was expected to make an entrance into the world.

Seriously. To the day. Mom says all y’all going all sing-songy with your “oooh…shotgun wedding…” You can all fudge off. Her words, not mine.

I’m a “wedding night” baby.

Whatever that means.

So, yeah…it seems I was a surprise. A complete, total, amazing, shocking, crazy, scandalous, silly surprise. At first, Mom called me the “alleged baby” — even though six home pregnancy tests, two ultrasounds and a blood test confirmed my existence.

There was much hand-wringing. And sobbing. And head-scratching. And more sobbing. And anxiety. And wailing. And soul-searching. And more wailing.

But you know what there wasn’t during this whole time? Writing. At least not on her “blog.”

Whatever that is.

(Editor’s note: “Mom” checking in. Dammit baby — now I’m putting my own name in quotes. Thanks a lot. Anyhow, is it a coincidence that there also was NOT any wine or Diet Coke during this whole time that there was no writing? Hmmmm…)

She claims she didn’t know how to process it all. That writing anything about me on her blog would mean I was real. Apparently she needed more proof than that offered by her growing baby bump, insatiable cravings for avocados, Häagen-Dazs dark chocolate chip gelato, melted cheese and Costco fro-yos (individually…not all mixed up…ewwww…) and the ever-pressing need to organize. Everything. Four times over.

There will be more details in the coming months about this whole mess of a year, but just as she heartlessly thrust me into the world a few months ago without a lick of warning, now she has heartlessly thrust me in front of all of you to explain her absence.

One year ago yesterday, she posted about her engagement. And today, on the anniversary-plus-one-day of that post, she asked me to introduce myself.

My name is Bryerlee Annabelle. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

the finger_web

(Editor’s note: What is that saying about the apple and the tree? Yeah, I’m screwed.)

So now she says I have to ask you all some questions. Here we go:

  1. What advice do you have for my mom regarding me, her “surprise” baby?
  2. Sure, Mom’s been busy this past year, and I didn’t even have a brain a year ago, so we all know what I’ve been up to. But what’s new with you?
  3. What exactly is a “condom” — and why does Mom tell Brett that I’m proof he clearly doesn’t know how to use one?

(Editor’s note: Ignore that last one, please. No need to answer. Seriously. And also, no need to worry about me turning all “Mommy Blogger” on your asses. I’m still me, I’m still jaded and I still have a LOT to say about the bat-shit craziness that is my life. I mean, “bat-shiz craziness.” There’s a B-A-B-Y in the room, after all. Oh well. F-U-C-K it.)

* Find this post on the awesome Carol Tice’s Friday link up party.

70 thoughts on “WTF???????????????

  1. Dana says:

    WOW!! Congratulations-she is gorgeous and her name is beautiful. Can’t wait to hear more, I’m so glad everything worked out for you. Some things (or people leaving) turn out to be a blessing 😉

  2. Ruth Zive says:

    Oh……….god. Mazel Tov! My baby from my 2nd man is a tremendous blessing. He was born one year from the wedding day – not 9 months and not unplanned. But 9 years later, I can honestly say that every single day has been a true blessing. Enjoy. And I’m so happy you are back! Please, dear god, no mommy blogging.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Ah, my dear blogging friend — thank you so much. This is certainly uncharted territory for me, but I’m trying to keep it all in perspective. Apparently, Bryerlee was just meant to be…who am I to fight it? And already, she’s proving to be strong-willed and quite the force to be reckoned with. Yay me! (I think…)

      No mommy blogging…though I reserve the right to occasionally post quips about her and my Mommy 3.0 version. Because daily, she teaches me something, to which I think to myself, “I really should write about that…” 😉

  3. Bethany says:

    Aw, welcome Bryerlee! Stick around and you’ll learn some much more colorful language. Mikalee, congrats! I can only imagine what craziness has been happening in the last year. This must have thrown Marilyn and Brick Man for a loop! (insert evil laugh here) Welcome back!

  4. The Guat says:

    Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude. How awesome. I’d been hoping you would get back to the blogging world because I loved your writing (even though I came late to the party) I loved it. And no worries … everyone has surprises in life that at first scare the crap out of them, but then end up being a good adventures. My second kid, who is now two, was a definite adventure 🙂

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Oh wow — you have a 2-year-old?!?! You’ll have to help me out here — it’s been 11 years since my last child, and clearly, I’ve forgotten everything in that lifetime I lived between then and now.

      Thanks so much for the comment!

  5. Super Jack says:

    I have been wondering what happened to you, really have. Really glad to hear again from the highly educated woman that says ‘fuck’ a lot.

    Re the kid, what else – spoil ’em fucking rotten!


  6. Scott says:

    So, I read the post about the engagement a year ago and said to myself, “self, this marks the end Me 2.0 and the beginning of Marriage 2.0. We’ll never hear from her again.” And I was right! Sorta. I’m glad your back writing and not locked in a dungeon somewhere scrubbing floors for “Master Brett” or something crazy like that. Welcome Baby Bryerlee. I can’t wait to hear all the sordid details of your arrival.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Oh hell no — “Master” Brett is in the dungeon scrubbing MY floors!

      (Oh wow. That sounds odd. Well, you get the idea… 😉 )

      The engagement did mark a clear end for my book…but apparently, this is the first chapter of the sequel.

      Thanks so much for stopping by, Scott!

  7. Julie Frayn says:

    Welcome back and congratulations. from that last pic, for sure, that apple landed square at the tree’s fucking feet :). On a side note, all I needed these past three months to be writing more often was more wine? Why didn’t I think of that…

  8. jennigetsit says:

    I have been waiting with baited breath. You are back! Fantastic. When life throws curveballs, it does become difficult to write. Believe me , you, I know that. You and I have more than 5 or 10 things in common, 2 that I will mention here, the other 8 can wait.
    1) An ex with a Napolean complex.
    2) A “surprise” addition to family. Granted, my bundle came about, just as I was mustering the courage to leave Napolean, and 6 years apart from my second, not quite eleven.
    I have admired your courage, and found strength in your words. I am absolutely sure, all will work out well.
    Surprise babies are the best babies. Yes! I have a favorite of three.
    Enjoy her! Revel in the fact that she will keep you young. I got really sick of people saying that to me at first, BTW, but my sweet, surprise turns 11 in May. I will be 50 in October. She does keep me young.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Wow — more than 10 things in common, it would seem: I’m 39 now and will be 50 when Bryerlee turns 11. We should do lunch someday and compare notes on how you managed to let your “surprise” keep you young…I’ve never felt so old and tired!

      But yes, I’m sure it will be just fine. Thank you for being such a valuable part of our little community…I’m so grateful for your comment!

  9. Phyllis Hendry says:


    Welcome, Bryerlee!!! What a great first post from you!

    Mikalee, I’ve missed your snarkiness. Glad to have this read today. It was much needed.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Haha, Damian! Yeah, that Internet can be an awfully boring place, huh? Oh well. Guess I’ll post something every now and then to see if I can spice it up just a bit… 😉

      Good to “see” you around these parts again!

  10. Crystal says:

    May I please have one of your diapers, I think I may have just peed myself laughing!! : 0 haha . Love this post!!!!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      I guess you’d be wanting the kind that DOESN’T leak, right? You know, it’s been 11 years since my last child: HAVEN’T THEY INVENTED A DIAPER THAT DOESN’T LEAK YET?!?!

      Sorry. Rant over. But seriously…

      Thank you for stopping by, Crystal!

  11. talesfromthemotherland says:

    SOOOOO over the moon excited for you all! Ok, so I knew you were preggers, but then you just disappeared, and one in my position dare not ask: “Hey, are you still pregnant?” or “is everything ok?” or, “Hey, I miss you… what the fudge?” Such happy news to hear, such a yummy picture! Mazel to you and Brett, the dad and husband. 😉

  12. Mark Petruska says:

    If not for Facebook, I’d have assumed you OD’d on Diet Coke or ended up in the pokey for launching a well-timed brick in their direction.

    You know of whom I speak.

    Really glad to see you back here, though! Congratulations on everything you’ve been through, “mom.” You certainly can’t call it a dull year, at least.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Nope, nothing dull about this year. And instead of OD-ing on Diet Coke, I found myself on a pregnancy-imposed leave of my favorite beverage. Seriously — 9 months without wine or Diet Coke…this baby is lucky I lived through it. 😉

      Thank you for the congrats, Mark — and you know I send them back to you and Tara as well. Can’t wait to see your quirky wedding pix!

  13. monicastangledweb says:

    First and foremost, welcome to Bryerlee Annabelle! You are one beautiful baby!

    And now, a word to my pal, Mikalee: Thank you for not turning into a mommy monster, ahem, blogger. I couldn’t take one more and I’d have to knock you over the head. Thankfully, you are as crazy and wonderful as ever. Beautiful baby, beautiful children. I’m so happy for you, how much your life has changed since you first started blogging. Hope this means you’ll be blogging again, more than once a year!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Thank you, Monica! We’re beyond blessed, and Bryerlee is both beautiful and super quirky. As we kinda anticipated…

      You’re right, it’s been quite the journey. And if I wander into the territory of mommy monster, kindly punch me in the throat, k? It’s a bit all-consuming right now, this motherhood thing…so I’m afraid the instinct of it all might take over, and my words will start sounding all presumptuous and condescending and whatnot. Ugh.

      And yes, >1-time-per-year blogging is my goal. And guess what? I just met it today! 🙂

  14. Phouka says:

    I’d just checked on your blog the other day and wondered what happened to you–and now I know! CONGRATUFUCKINLATIONS!!! That’s one heck of a year! And one beautiful baby!!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Oh Phouka, thank you for checking on me and for the kind congrats. I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around all the recent changes…but I’m just glad you’re all still along for the journey!

  15. Tigress 00 Eyes says:

    Very “F”unny Entry!… Lol!

    It made me giggle a lot.

    Was the second photo with the ‘Finger’ chosen deliberately to compliment
    the ‘F’s or coincidentally?

    The Littlie is a real cutie, i am sure you must be enjoying her presence
    and get on with a lot of explaining as she seems to feel there is a lot
    she is not sure what it s all about…

    A great Day to Both of You and to the ‘Dad’ ! Lol!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      That second photo was all Bryerlee — not staged, not photoshopped. I just happened to look down one day while feeding her, and after I realized what she was clearly intentionally doing, I grabbed my phone. Right place, right finger, right time!

      I have a feeling it’s foreshadowing. She seems a bit sassy already!

  16. kitchenmudge says:

    I had given up on you, Mikalee, almost. One of your last posts was about an attempted armed break-in and I was actually a little worried until I googled your twitter feed.

    Yeah, what did I tell ya? Get’s married, stops writing for a year.

    Welcome to the world, Bryerlee. It’s not much, but I’m sure it’ll be a little better with you here.

    Now, this “Mom” creature that keeps hovering over you, you gotta know: That’s really the Lady in Red. She holds the reins of much of the universe. Telepathically controls the car stereo, massacres squirrels without even thinking about it. Gets her superpower from Diet Coke. Now that it’s resumed, I hope we can expect more wonders.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      You know, kitchenmudge, if you keep revealing my secret identity to the world and my offspring and all — I might have to send a few massacred squirrels your way. Just as a little symbol of my undying affection. 😉

      And yes: gets married, quits blogging for a year. You nailed it! But I’m glad to be back and to see you here!

  17. hrhdaf says:

    Aaaaaaah many congrats on everything! Baby is gorgeous (shame she’s already swearing but I guess she takes after her mom ;O)
    You could always rename this part of your life like Apple do Iphones. This could be 2.0S… just a thought!
    Dont stay away so long!
    Hugs Daf xx

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      She’s definitely sassy and stubborn — Brett tells me the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Or the “fucking tree,” as I would say…

      I love the idea of the “S” — I keep telling people that my “2.0” is so outdated. I’m in my 220.0 or so by now!

      Thanks for the comment, Daf…so glad to see you again.

  18. J. Eric Smith says:

    Congrats to you all . . . and glad to see “Mom” writing here again!

    Right around the time that your lovely Bryerlee made her debut outside your innards, our only begotten daughter graduated from college and moved into our basement in Des Moines. Circle of life and whatnot.

    (Fortunately for young Simba, she got a good job and her own apartment six weeks later. Hakuna mutata).

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      But did she take up with a flatulence-prone wart hog and a meerkat in the meantime? Because that would be plain spooky….

      Congrats on your own successes — sounds like you’ve got her on the right path! Of course, Baby Bryerlee will graduate from college in the year 2142 or so. Give or take. By then, she certainly won’t want to live with me — unless she likes rest homes! So there’s one advantage to having a baby this late in life…

      Great to see you around these parts, my fellow tall friend!

  19. Joyce says:

    Mikalee!!! Congratulations to you and Brett on the birth of beautiful Bryerlee. Looking forward to future posts. Welcome back!!

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