Weathering the Perfect (Shit) Storm

The necklace. 'Nuff said.

The necklace. ‘Nuff said.

It’s after 5 a.m., and I have yet to go to bed.

Fuck.

In less than 5 hours, I have to attend a hearing at justice court for Brick 2.0.

Fuck.

Shortly after that, my older two children return from Brick 1.0’s home, an every-other-week ritual typically served up with outbursts of emotion and a side order of chaos as they nobly attempt some crazy figurative Double Dutch routine between the parallel lines characterizing our parallel parenting homes.

Fuck.

Last week, Brick 2.0 sent me a request to communicate from the jail. Keep in mind, I have not spoken a single word to him since he was hauled away by the Po-Po Posse on Aug. 9 — though I did have to hear his voice on the day of our divorce hearing, which was one of the most unsettling experiences of my life to date.

Fuck.

Brick 1.0 took an opportunity last week to publicly circumvent my parental authority and branded me, in no uncertain terms, as the most horrible and horrific of horrible and horrific mothers. In writing.

Fuck.

My baby has a 101-degree fever, a hacking cough, is wheezing and lethargic. And there are unconfirmed cases of measles in my town. Plus rampant flu.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

(Though, I must add, she is vaccinated for both. So let’s subtract one “Fuck” and replace it with a “Yay me???”)

So, yeah. I don’t mean to complain. I truly don’t. I have worked so hard to keep a positive outlook, to focus on my family and move us swiftly along that path toward this magical destination called “Healing,” to once again reinvent in the face of adversity, heartbreak and unfathomable betrayal.

But that magical land of Healing right now seems about as far away as Pluto.

The planetoid. Not the dog. Just to clarify.

Anyhow, did anyone read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by that dude named Mark Manson? There’s a link on my Facebook page, if you’re so inclined.

And actually, that’s a rhetorical question; because for some perplexing reason, MANY of you shared links with me via Facebook, Twitter, email or carrier-fucking-pigeon to make sure I saw it.

I was touched, really. Because, if I really think about it, I guess I can assume you all shared it with me primarily for the reason that in his post, he uses my favorite word, like, 127 times, which probably sets a record for “greatest number of fucks to which the blogosphere has ever been exposed.”

Seriously. I’m quite sure that’s a category in the Guinness Book.

Anyhow, I definitely appreciated your outreach efforts.

But the message of the post was perplexing.

To wit:

“The point is, most of us struggle throughout our lives by giving too many fucks in situations where fucks do not deserve to be given. We give a fuck about the rude gas station attendant who gave us too many nickels. We give a fuck when a show we liked was canceled on TV. We give a fuck when our coworkers don’t bother asking us about our awesome weekend. We give a fuck when it’s raining and we were supposed to go jogging in the morning.

Fucks given everywhere. Strewn about like seeds in mother-fucking spring time. And for what purpose? For what reason? Convenience? Easy comforts? A pat on the fucking back maybe?

This is the problem, my friend.

Because when we give too many fucks, when we choose to give a fuck about everything, then we feel as though we are perpetually entitled to feel comfortable and happy at all times, that’s when life fucks us.”

To borrow a line from Mr. Manson:

This is the problem, my friend.

Because to all that, I say, “Whateverthefuck.”

I’m living proof that life can fuck you over even if you don’t give needless fucks.

I give only the most needed of needed fucks. The required ones. Of the obligatory variety. When completely necessary.

Which right now, equates roughly to every other fucking word in this fucking post.

Life doesn’t seem to be saving the fucking over for the needless fucks. Sorry, Mr. Manson. Your premise is wonky.

However, my fuck-friendly faux-friend, you almost redeemed yourself with the following:

“Developing the ability to control and manage the fucks you give is the essence of strength and integrity. We must craft and hone our lack of fuckery over the course of years and decades. Like a fine wine, our fucks must age into a fine vintage, only uncorked and given on the most special fucking occasions.”

So perhaps this is just it. This is the most special of fucking occasions, like if New Year’s Eve and Warren Harding’s birthday and National Plan Your Epitaph Day and the day you first discovered Krispy Kreme Doughnuts all happened at the SAME FUCKING TIME.

So cheers to us all! Join me, please, in raising a toast in fucking solidarity. And while you’re at it, as you’re going about your Monday business today, send a little positive juju my way. Just a whisper. A hint, really.

And maybe, while you’re at it, you can leave a comment below and just say something funny. Or sweet. Or odd. Or nonsensical. Or just plain neutral.

Just nothing fucked up, please.

Because: Fuck

And, just FYI: National Plan Your Epitaph Day is April 6. Not even kidding.

Better start planning.

 

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22 thoughts on “Weathering the Perfect (Shit) Storm

  1. Jenn says:

    We are rooting for you and those kiddos. 🙂 this is going to sound so silly but I’m quoting my late friend- whenever I thought my world was “crashing” (when she was around it was NOTHING compared to what I went through last May when she had passed) she used to say to me- “Everything is going to be okay.” So Mikalee- everything is going to be okay. Stay positive- you’ve got this.

  2. Kristen says:

    When in the midst of a vortex of every single thing that could possibly go wrong – my mother always says “this too shall pass” or some other vaguely religious something – it always makes me kind of want to punch her – but she’s generally right (which is part of why it’s so irritating). It feels dismissive of where you are and all the fucks necessary to give to get through it – but dammit – true. Hang in there…

  3. Kristen says:

    pushing the dark cloud that seems to find you, far far away! You’ve weathered enough storms to last eternity! Go, fight, win my dear friend. You risen above, and showed not only is, but shown yourself how not necessarily easy it is, as God for bid, it hadn’t been one bit easy, but, necessary to rise up and take this nightmare head on! You did everything you needed to do, and then some. It takes a very strong person to do what you do, everyday! I’m applauding you. I ❤️ U! Again, Go, fight, win! It’s all you girl. Go get it!

  4. D Christopher Harvey says:

    Excellent f’ing write if I say so myself and I don’t give a flying FUCK what they say on the street. You have talent! Scribe on!

  5. Dana says:

    Virtual hug!! Hang in there! I’ve been following you from the start of your blog and can’t believe all that’s happened. Why did Brick 1.0 say that? You have to update us on that whole situation. Do you miss brick 2.0?

  6. Jane says:

    I think Mark Manson would agree that you have multiple justified occasions (more than most mere mortals) to give a fuck! And said “fucks” are not needless related to couponing or TV show cancellations. Please, please forward this to Mark. I think he would love to (and should) hear from you on the subject of giving a fuck because girl… you are bordering on “giving a fuck” expertise!
    Personally, I do think of you and your situation and I send you good juju frequently. I can’t say “this too shall pass” because honestly I don’t know that. What I can say is this… I am amazed and impressed with your resiliency and your dedication to moving through, over, around the shit life has thrown at you. And your dedication to making a good life for you and your family is what it is all about. So please know, you have a strong and dedicated cheerleading squad out here routing for you and your kids. xoxo

  7. James says:

    Just think- you used to get annoyed when people called you things like Eelakim. All the fucks given that might not have been given! Like the proverbial wine poured out too soon. I literally can’t imagine the maelstrom (malestrom?!) you’re caught in, but I’m glad you have your family and friends and the ability to express yourself so well. Things WILL get better- 100% guarantee. Looking forward to that, but glad you shared this with us as well!

  8. The Guat says:

    Duuuuuuuuuuuude what the fuck is up with Brick 1.0 and when the fuck is karma gonna handle his ass. Dude! I’m gonna send you juju and whispers on that! Because I feel if you’re doing your best to move on and build things back up, he should back the fuck off and stop acting like one of those zombies from the Walking Dead that keep showing up to destroy stuff no matter what you do. Damn. Anyway, one of the best books I’ve read about survival and getting through things was Unbroken, that guy Louie was definitely put through some bad stuff, but he remained Unbroken. “If you can take it, you can make it.” Fucking inspirational story. You got that in you too. You got this!

  9. trailertrashdeluxe says:

    I’ve had my fucking epitaph figured out for quite a while now. It’s going to be “WELL…,” in huge letters, and below that, “At least now I don’t have to do the damn dishes any more.”

    Hang in there. I’d like to say that someday you’ll laugh at all this, but you are now, aren’t you? Well, in between crying and saying fuck and, I’d imagine, banging your head on the table.

  10. damongarn says:

    Nice Mik, as always. Somehow your humor in the face of adversity is always a comfort. I was gonna something profound, perhaps an almost-in-context quote (“Do not go gentle into that good night”), but fresh out of wisdom these days. Just know that somewhere out here in the Rockies, someone is always on your side!

  11. joanneinjax says:

    So happy to see a post from you – it was fucking great! I read something somewhere on the interwebs this week that spoke to me and perhaps it will be helpful for you.
    The worse thing one should say to a person going through any personal hell: “It will be OK/alright.” NO, ‘IT’ IS NOT OK! ‘IT’ SUCKS! ‘IT’ IS UNBELIEVABLY FUCKED UP!
    What one should say: ‘YOU’ WILL BE OK – ‘YOU’ WILL SURVIVE!
    I have no doubt you, my dear, will survive this hell and your children will too, with the example you show them every day you face the world.
    Oh, by the way, what on earth possessed douchebag Brick No. 1 to attack you when aware your situation? Obviously, he didn’t get the compassion chip when they were being passed out. Or maybe he just sold his cold black heart to the devil for pocket change. Regardless, FUCK HIM!
    xoxo
    Joanne

  12. Let go says:

    Hope your baby is better. I have been trying to come up with something snarky to say about “you know who” but decided, based on your comments, to leave well enough alone. Just know that we, your public, think you rock. I really am not that young but couldn’t think of a better word. Hang on, hang in there, hang it all. I have made up a word for you to use any time you get sick of “fuck”. It is twoog. I hope it isn’t something horrible in a foreign language. BTW, just what did the Brick say?

  13. kitchenmudge says:

    Mikalee,

    I’m always a bit late seeing your posts because I refuse to subscribe to one more thing, so I hope you’ve recovered somewhat from the day that prompted this one.

    There really is no reason to give many fucks when there are so many other things to give:
    a good Goddamn
    a rat’s ass
    a flying falafel
    These are all gifts that the Universe will accept in tribute.

    But ok, I’ll try really, really hard not to be a smartass now. You have the best mind waves I can muster for getting through all this.

  14. Mary C Leslie says:

    Fuck is right. You need some serious Calgon in your life….wish I had a magic wand and a fuckin’ righteous bubble bath for you. Hang in there…it has to get better, right? (Fuckin’ horrid Brick 2.0 wants to communicate….sickening)…..You’re strong. Get whatever you need in life to stay that way and remember you’ve got a vast support system.

If you do not leave a comment, you will further shatter my already broken spirit. If you can live with that guilt, so be it... ;)

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