Dude: You’ll Never Believe What Happened to Me! (Actually, You’ll Totally Believe It…)

Hey.

So here’s the deal: At some point, my goal is to once again post regularly here.

Maybe. Probably. Likely. Soon. But later.

A lot has happened in the last few months, which many of you know if you’re friends with me on Facebook.

Of course it has, I mean…we’ve already established that I’m the Universe’s favorite target for errant bricks and epic missteps.

But seriously. A lot has happened. Like this, at the end of last year:

Byerman_face

I know, I know: #EyelinerGoals

So there I was, driving like normal, streaming my Milli Vanilli Spotify playlist with the moonroof open, when a dude driving the other direction ran a red light and t-boned me going full speed. One lacerated liver, broken nose, two seriously fucked up legs and an ankle later, and I had earned enough points for a free stay in the hospital — plus enough CT scans, MRIs and X-rays to make me glow in the dark.

Byerman_hospital

Does this hospital gown make me look annoyed?

But wasn’t it purty?

IMG_7576

This is just one representative bruise on one representative arm. Imagine this same color scheme across both legs, my chest and stomach.

Byerman_black eyes copy

I’m calling this particular shade “Air-bag-broke-my-nose purple.”

I could just look at these pictures all day. Ahhh, the memories. Good times.

But the dude? He walked away completely uninjured.

Of COURSE he did. And of COURSE the Universe decided to have some fun with me. Because his first name: Darwin.

Not even kidding.

Yup. The guy who coined the term “survival of the fittest” and the dude who literally walked away from a car accident that seriously injured me totally share the same name.

Oh, silly Universe, you crack me up!

Anyhow, TBH, I’m mentally and physically exhausted from insurance companies and orthopedists and EOBs and tests and discoveries like “oh, by the way, there’s likely a piece of metal air bag shrapnel floating over your kneecap.” All of this has seriously cut into my already spectacularly abundant single mommy “me” time, but I’m working on finding my rhythm again. But until I’m fully back in the proverbial saddle of regular posting and sharing the insider view of my hilarity-riddle life, I’m taking itty-bitty baby steps toward that goal by writing elsewhere.

And speaking of baby: Mine likes to fuck with me. I mean really, truly mess with my head.

See what I mean? She’s totally fucking with me…

Want to read a little about it? Here’s the latest. 

And if you need extra convincing to click the link, here’s a teaser: In this post, you’ll learn that reverse pooping is a thing, plus you’ll discover the AWESOME name my toddler has given to a baby doll that is creepy as fuck.

Spoiler alert: It rhymes with “Prickly Fireman.”

(Quick aside: I literally never realized my name rhymes with Prickly Fireman until just now. Seriously. That’s kinda cool.)

Anyhow, feel free to share my toddler story with any parents  you may know, because I think this whole “terrible 2” thing is a total scam and unsuspecting parents have a right to know that they’re all conspiring against us.

Oh, and one more thing: I miss you all.

Chat soon!

Mikalee

 

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11 thoughts on “Dude: You’ll Never Believe What Happened to Me! (Actually, You’ll Totally Believe It…)

  1. DamonG says:

    Rough. Loved the post about your toddler F-ing with you… write a predictive post about what happens with the Universe tries to fuck with her!

  2. Diane Andersen says:

    WTF? I’ve been following you for years. and you continue to amaze me!
    (With your strength mostly (and… with your absolute shit luck)).
    Get well soon, so you can get back to writing in your witty, real, and grammatically correct prose.
    Your friend,
    Diane

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Awww, shucks; thank you, Diane! I definitely have my share of shit luck, though at least it gives me fodder for the words. Now if only I could find the time to write the words! 😉 Take care, and thank you as always for the support.

  3. hrhdaf says:

    Sadly having followed your blog for a while I do totally believe it! Just how many mirrors have you broken in your life girl?
    LMAO at your story about the baby’s reverse pooping! Actually did some internet stalking and read a few of your articles on that site. I particularly enjoyed the list about teenagers and how great they are. I distinctly remember driving somewhere with my two in the back of the car, and instead of the little kid sqabbling that used to go on, they were chatting away and we were having a really fun drive. That was the moment I decided having teens was awesome!

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Seriously, right? Oh well, if I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck at all. But at least it’s all writing fodder!

      I absolutely ADORE having teens — so glad to hear I’m not alone! It’s beyond rewarding to see these once-tiny-humans turn into functioning adults (with their own opinions, even…now that’s just CRAZY TALK!). Of course, the dynamic shifts slightly when you have two almost-adults and one crazy toddler, but it’s fun nonetheless.

      Thank you for reading and commenting — so good to “see” you again! 🙂

  4. The Guat says:

    HOLY CRAP! The universe is definitely crazy, but I imagine it has all this crap in your way so that you can come out awesome in the end … Like Andy Dufrane or something. Dude! That is some scary crazy stuff, but I’m glad you are recovering. I always enjoy your posts and look forward to reading them and see how you find humor in such difficult situations, because I try to do the same with my jacked-up scenarios over here. You’re an awesomely funny writer, hoping for a speedy recovery.

    • Mikalee Byerman says:

      Awwww, Andy Dufrane — I love that! Didn’t he end up on a beach looking all rested and happy? I could go for that. Thank you so much for the support, good juju and comment…I appreciate it all! 🙂

  5. kitchenmudge says:

    Gawd, I wish I could say it’s good to hear from you again, Mikalee, but…. but….

    Yeah, the kid’s doing fine. They do that. The Universe, on the other hand….

    I guess I should be glad you’re keeping all this bad juju in far-away Reno.

  6. gus3 says:

    Heh. My last posting went up the day before this one.

    Wanna race? I’ve already got a new one in the works, and definitely not a non-starter like the other 7 attempts!

    But seriously, babe, I hope you’re feeling (and moving) better now than you were. :-*

If you do not leave a comment, you will further shatter my already broken spirit. If you can live with that guilt, so be it... ;)

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